Rumors

Last night I was watching a show about a man named Desmond Doss and it really made me think. I didn't initially realize that I was watching a Christian channel and if I had it is highly likely that I would have turned it off. I'm glad that I didn't because it was an interesting show.

Desmond Doss joined the Army under a conscientious objector status during WWII. He was a Seventh-Day Adventist and took the commandment ' Thou shalt not Kill' literally and without exception. Though he didn't consider himself to literally be a conscientious objector as he was willing to serve his country, registering as one was the only way to get to join without being required to kill. In order to serve, he joined as a medic and he did not carry a gun one time during his duty.

Desmond was a skinny little guy, very plain and sincere. He was not educated or sophisticated and as you may guess, he was razzed pretty bad for his religious beliefs and his actions and was accused of being un-masculine. He was actually threatened by guys who felt that he was getting special privileges and that he wouldn't have their backs and they told him they would shoot him out in the field when no-one was looking. He also had special permission not to have to work on Saturday as this was his Sabbath. One Saturday while he was reading his bible while the other men worked, they pelted him with boots.

But once he got out on the field, he proved his mettle and no-one could accuse him of being a coward any longer. If any soldier went down, he tried to save them, even if he had to brave enemy fire in order to do so. Apparently, it became a common sight to see him running through the battle field through bullets and grenades without a thought for his own safety to get to someone who had gone down. He even tried to save Japanese soldiers until one of his own soldiers threatened to shoot him for it. His fellow soldiers of the 77th battalion came to not only be impressed by him, but to be in awe of him and to believe that he was protected by the shield of God.

The show I watched was a documentary and it was well-done and convincing which I guess is why I didn't realize that I was watching a Christian channel. (I know! That was catty!) Desmond was interviewed as well as other men who were in the Battalion and saw what happened. There were photographs and clips as well. When the men spoke, they got that faraway look in their eyes, you know the one I'm talking about, that people get when they are seeing the pictures in their heads instead of what is in front of their eyes. They talked about the smells and sights and sounds of war. At times they would choke up, or would grasp the chair they were sitting in if they were remembering something particularly upsetting. This is what made it convincing to me.

And they all agreed on what they saw and they all believed that God was with Desmond Doff. These were not ignorant men, I'm not even sure if they were particularly religious men. They definitely didn't respect Doss before their tour of duty and definitely did afterwards.

They talked about how he would walk out right in front of sniper fires and grenades and mortars to get to a man who was down close to the enemy line and somehow he wouldn't get hit. He apparently did this time and time again. Once when Desmond prayed for a group of them before a mission and that group, down to the last man, defied odds by surviving the extremely risky operation.

Finally came the incident for which he received his Medal of Honor. They were on Okinawa island trying to capture the Maeda Escarpment, a 400 foot cliff that separated one half of the island from the other. On top of the cliff they ran into enemy fire and roughly 100 men were wounded. The men that were well fled to safety and the men who couldn't make it were left up there. Doss knew very well what the Japanese soldiers would do to these men if they captured them. So he fashioned a harness out of rope and single-handedly lowered man after man down the cliff as enemy fire exploded around him the entire time. He is credited for rescuing approximately 75 men. This took about 10 hours and he wasn't hit one time. There was a Japanese soldier that they spoke with after the war who remembered that night and said that he had a man in his sights, presumably Doss, and that when he tried to shoot him his trigger wouldn't pull.

Then apparently God was done with him (sorry I couldn't resist!) as he was finally hit during another different operation. They say that as they were carrying him to safety he saw a man who had been hit worse than he was and he gave up the stretcher so that this man could be treated. While laying there waiting he was hit again and his arm shattered. He ended up permanently disabled and lost his hearing from in infection that he incurred from his injuries.

Now, if this were a story that someone had made up, I would think it was unbelievably corny and maudlin. (except for the last part, of course.) But strangely enough, it happened.....you can look it up. And there were so many different incidents that it seems absurd to say that these could somehow be a lucky coincidences. I've had a little bit of statistics enough to know that it isn't likely.




I have mostly rejected the image of the god I grew up with but every once in a while I hear rumors that he is still around.

Cabin Fever

We had lightning about a week ago and it fried my modem so we had to order another and then get it installed. Then my monitor, which had been hanging on by one circuit, finally bit the dust. Hence, I have not been writing.

But there is another reason as well. The weather is beautiful! And I have been unable to force myself to stay inside and I will probably feel this way until it finally gets up to 110 in the shade.

(By the way, the above picture is Demeter and Persephone. Demeter was the mother of Persephone. One day Persephone was abducted by Hades, the God of the Underworld. Demeter didn't know what had happened and she searched the Earth for her daughter. She became so sad and angry that she stopped all of the plants and flowers and trees from growing and the earth became barren. She finally found Persephone, and Hades and Demeter struck a deal. Persephone would be with her mother all year except in the winter. In the winter she would join Hades in the underground. Every year when this happens, the earth becomes barren again. Then when Persephone joins her mother in the Spring, the earth becomes abundant once more.)




My son graduated college and....guess what! I have an Aunt who lives in Malibu who has been in computers since they were big enough to fill warehouses. She has invited him to stay with her and wants to help him get a job. I told him...GO FOR IT! Honestly, he couldn't ask for a better mentor. And my grandmother is paying off Joel's loans! So, I've been kind of high and giddy about all of this lately.





Oh....and I want to learn to Belly dance.

Unleashed

"Oh stop it," said Trinity nervously to Brian, "Don't you ever bow to me again, or I shall slap you!"

"As you wish, lady" said Brian, with a vast chuckle, "Only....do you know what this means, having the fealty of all of the elementals?"

"Well......no." said Trinity uncertainly, "I've never heard of this before."

"It is the mark of a great magician," he said, "there are few who receive this honor."

"Great magician. Look at all the trouble I have caused." said Trinity wryly.

"None-the-less, you show great power," said Brian.

And that is all he would say, and Trinity did not push as neither of them wanted Joia to hear their thoughts, though Trinity thought it was possible that Joia knew her thoughts anyway, despite their not being spoken aloud. Joia and Trinity climbed onto Brian's neck and while Brian arose into the air the elemental cheered and as the trio rose, their already tiny voices faded and the only sound that Trinity heard until they arrived at Nonna's was the steady beating of Brian's wings.

Nonna lived in the Northern Territories just outside of Morena, the largest city in the land. She lived about a quarter of a mile inside of the forest. Trinity had crossed the mountains several times on foot travelling back and forth to Nohna's and much preferred flying. Trinity had no fear of flying, she could fly forever, it was one of the most peaceful feelings that she knew. She had lots of time to mull over the puzzle of Joia and to think of all of the the things that had lately occurred as they flew, but her musings did not increase her understanding. Joia sat behind her as still as a statue and spoke not a word and Trinity did not turn to look at her.

They arrived at Nohna's in the late afternoon and descended with the twilight. Nohna was home as Trinity had expected her to be. Nohna had never failed to be there when Trinity needed her. Nohna came rustling out of the cabin her long skirts atangle. She caught Trinity up in a big hug and pinched her cheek because she didn't like Trinity to take herself too seriously.

"Ho Brian, you overgrown lizard!" she directed at Brian. "What brings you my way? Come to scare my neighbors again? The last time you came, I thought that they were going to run me out of the forest!" and she cackled boisterously. Brian and Nohna loved to banter and were so good at it that Trinity never tired of listening to them.

Then she turned to Joia. "And who might this be?" she asked, smiling brightly, but her smile faded slightly as she took Joia in.

"This is my sister, Joia." answered Trinity.

"Welcome Joia, I've heard so much about you," Nohna said guardedly, though politely.

Joia said nothing and Nohna stared at her for a minute and the muscles around her eyes tensed slightly and her face grew shrewd. Then she calmed her face and said, "Well, come in, come in! I was expecting you and I have got food ready, There are just a few more herbs to add and it will be done. I have gotten water at the well, you may wash yourselves while I finish." then turning to Brian, "Try to leave a few deer in the forest my sweet." and Brian flew off to find his own meal beating his wings harder than was necessary causing Nohna's skirts to fly around her wildly..

It was then that some of the local elementals began to arrive and to cluster around the cottage to pay homage to Trinity. A childlike smile came over Nohna's wrinkled face and she watched them with awe.

"Ah yes. I see that I was right," said Nohna softly, and her voice trailed off.

Joia gave a snort of vexation, "Detestable little insects!" she said, then attempted to swat one. Nohna and Trinity looked on in alarm but the elementals could take care of themselves for they began jeering at Joia and throwing little sticks and pebbles at her. The braver ones flew close enough to yank her hair and the gnomes began rushing towards her furiously as though they were going to attack her.

Trinity politely asked them to stop. She did it very humbly as the elementals are not to be ordered, so they did as she bid, though not before a very swift salamander flew in and honked Joia's nose as a last parting shot. Joia sprang up and Trinity ordered her to stop and much to her surprise, Joia obeyed. Joia found it curious how the elementals seemed to inspire emotion in Joia when nothing else could.

"Perhaps you should tell me what you have been up to lately." Nohna said to Trinity seriously, Then, "Later, and privately," she directed to Joia, making no effort to be polite which surprised Trinity greatly as Nohna was always hospitable.

Nohna bade Trinity and Joia to sit at the table where she laid bowls and mugs and a pitcher with water from the well. She put a brown, crusty bread on the table. "You may begin with the bread." she said distractedly, "I have a few more herbs to add to the stew and then you may eat that too." And she bustled out to the little kitchen garden outside of her front door.

She returned and cast what was in her hand into the pot. Joia was sitting with her back to Nohna and didn't see Nohna making a few passes with her hand over the stew though Trinity did. Then she ladled the stew into a serving dish and brought it to the table and put some into each bowl.

When Joia tasted the stew, an expression of surprise came over her face and she spat what was left in her mouth out on the table. "What have you done to me?" she sputtered, "How did you get this past me, old woman?"

"Hmmph. There is one advantage to being old and that is that people underestimate you." said Nohna primly.

Then Nohna stood up to her full height and raised her arms in the air. The light in the room became different and Nohna looked different as well. She didn't like like an elderly, comfortable, cheerful old grandmother anymore but rather like a proud queen.

"Your name is Parsepha and with your name and the bindweed that I have given you, I bind you. You can do no harm and you must obey me! Go sit in the corner. Sit still and bother no-one. Say nothing," and Nohna pronounced words of power. The creature inside of Joia had no choice but to meekly obey and the light slowly came back in the room, except near Joia where there was a slight greenish tinge. And Joia said no more but glared sullenly from the corner.

"Now," said Nohna "We must talk. Tell me what has brought this about."

So Trinity talked. When she told Nohna about the Glamour-off, Nohna shook her head. "Oh Trinity," she said, "You were warned about that."

"I know," admitted Trinity. "I thought I was good enough to do it."

"Well, now you will get to prove how good you are by undoing it," was Nohna's gruff comment".

Trinity finished her story and Nohna paused for quite awhile, took a deep breath and then said, "We in the mage community have known that something was afoot for quite awhile now. Many oracles have been foretelling of this and there have been other signs as well. We knew what was going to happen, we only did not know when, or by what means. You have unleashed Persepha as you may have guessed and she is here to free Djana the dark, as has been foretold."

Trinity stared at her mutely, cold fear and guilt making her stomach clench. The old familiar self-loathing that she thought she had long ago conquered came back as though it had never left. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, that she was destined to bring nothing but trouble. When Trinity became upset, her face settled into a hard mask which had gotten her in trouble many times when she was a child. But Nohna saw deeper than most people and knew something of what Trinity's expression meant.

"Now dear, this is bad, it's true. But it can be fixed. As I said, the magical community has forseen this and preparations have been made." she said.

"I just feel so bad Nohna, It seems like nothing good ever comes out of me."

"Shush child. It is very important that you do away with this attitude. Because it is you who will have to banish her. Only the one who brought her can banish her. And you must have a positive attitude towards yourself in order to do this."

"But Nohna, I have never had a positive attitude about me in my life, I barely know what it is to have a positive attitude about anything, much less myself," she said, her dry sense of humor reasserting itself despite her fear.




"You must prepare!" said Nohna, ignoring her words. "There is a ritual. It is a cleansing ritual. It is a ritual to empty yourself, so as to allow the power to fill you. It is very important Trinity, that you find the stregnth to believe in yourself. For if you do not, none of this will work. I will be sending messages to other mages and they should be arriving tonight and tomorrow. The ritual will begin tomorrow night at when the moon is bright. Now eat, as much as you can because this shall be your last meal before the ritual."

Fluffy post

This is a little fluff post because I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on my story and I haven't posted for awhile.

Ahem.....

I bought some scrubs the other day. Now veryone has seen scrubs, right? The ridiculous little smock tops with flowered prints, or pictures of popular cartoon characters which are supposedly supposed to amuse a child so much as they are having a needle put into their vein that it will lessen their discomfort. Inevitably worn with elastic waisted cotton pants.



I've owned scrubs for awhile but they were the plain ones. I thought that the others were just too undignified and well.....dorky! So, I wore the unisex, baggy scrubs in dismal colors. They were so big on me that I wore them when I was nine months pregnant. When I wear them around my waist they sag down halfway to my knees, if I pull them up they come up under my armpits. And these are size smalls. These scrubs give the message that one is all about business, true, but they are uuugly!



Now granted, we are not working at a hospital to look pretty...we are at a hospital to save lives. Why worry about such frivolities when charged with such a responsibility. But eventually, I grew tired of looking like I had just crawled out of the morgue and I tried to buy some 'professional' clothes.



But that just ain't me. So then I tried to wear something 'cooler' and still stay within the dress code, no jeans etc...



(Not exactly like that of course, but you get the idea.) But I just looked silly next to everyone else, overdressed! Plus, I work with blood and pee and poop and snot and hackers for gods sake! But still I balked at the happy, daffy looking scrubs. The remind me of garanimals!



Or the polyester pant suits worn by some of our grandmothers.



However, finally I looked through some of the catalogues and gradually became more open-minded. They have pink panther scrubs! How cool is that! They have baby phat scrubs and pinstriped scrubs. They have lowrider scrubs. They still have elastic waists but...oh well. And look at these attractive scrubs!


I don't think anyone could call you a dork wearing stylish exotic looking scrubs like that. Or perhaps I've become desensitized.

At any rate, I broke down and bought some scrubs. They all come in bright easter egg colors which is quite a change for someone like me who tends to dress in black, brown, burgundy etc...

I even bought a pair of crocs! (Something I swore I would never do!) They must be the most ridiculous looking things ever known to mankind.



So, needless to say I was very excited the first day I wore my new scrubs! I selected my powder blue pants (they even have flare legs!) and my flowery shirt with cunning little powder blue ribbons on it. I had my new white crocs and I even bought an extendable badge holder with a picture of a smiling sun on it. I walked into work feeling very self-conscious and wierd and.......everyone told me I looked so cute! I got fussed over so much! I don't really know what to think. I like being fussed over, but I don't know if I like being cute. I guess it's better than being ugly. Or did I look really awful before and I just didn't realize it?

So, that night I went home and checked myself in the mirror and tried to look at myself objectively in order to understand why I caused such a scene and...oh my god! I do look cute!



This somewhat damages my self-esteem, but I think I'll stay with it. Maybe if I look cute, everyone will be nice to me. They will want to yell at me and they will see me in my little eastery scrubs and say, "Aaaaaw!" and be unable to hurt my feelings.



Hey! Whatever works! But if you ever see a woman on the streets wearing dorky scrubs and wonder how she could bring herself to wear such a sappy looking outfit, try to be a little understanding. She probably knows that she looks dorky and has just finally bowed down to the inevitable. There isn't really anyway to not look somewhat dorky or unstylish when you are a medical professional. She probably doesn't really think she looks good either. Tell her she looks cute! She'll like it!

Part IV

Justo tried to stop Joia. For his defining perversity was that he had to win and he was clearly losing, he couldn't accept this and with this his death was sealed as it should have been long ago. This may seem a harsh statement. But its fairer than it may sound for he had done many things that have yet to be related and if you are patient, you will hear of them.

He went for Trinity and this was the last mistake he was to ever make. He turned his fist to a bludeon and then struck her, so hard that she felt her skull ringing and she fell to the ground. Quick as a spark, Brian unceromoniously snatched him up from the ground like an hawk would a mouse and flew up into the sky with him an insane roar tearing raggedly from his throat. He flew high and out of sight then a minute later a crisped thing fell from from the sky, ashes trailing from it as it fell, then it hit the ground and broke into bits.

Trinity was beginning to go towards being mortified, though the speed of the events was so disorienting that she hadn't quite had time to know how she felt yet. But Joia had no reaction, she simply looked back over her shoulder as she walked a inscrutable expression on her face. She did not stop to help Trinity, she did not stop to examine the remains of her husband or even seem to care about them, but continued to walk away.

Trinity knew that Brian wouldn't come back, they would hopefully meet up later, away from the scene of what he had done. And it was obviously too late for Justo, the not even slightly handsome anymore shopkeeper. So she followed Joia. Her ribs hurt terribly from where she had hit the ground, but that was the least of her worries.

Joia was seemingly broken, too wierd to even understand, and they needed to leave soon. Trinity was under no illusions about the fact that her spell had gone horribly awry,(of course this was impossible to deny) but she didn't understand in which ways that it had yet. And it was while she was debating what she should do and when, that she saw the small boy as he disappeared through the grass behind the trees where he had been watching them. He was running towards the village as though he was on a mission, which he most certainly was Trinity realized, a mission to tell what he had seen. So Trinity saw that she needed to leave now, before the angry mob cried things like "Death to the witch!", and other trite phrases.

And unless Joia were to come with Trinity, there was no chance of her ever improving, if indeed she ever could. So Trinity was going to Nohna and she was taking Joia with her one way or another. If there was any chance that this situation could be set right, Nohna was the one that could do it.

"We have under an hour," a voice not quite belonging to Joia said.

Trinity started, and stared stupidly at Joia, wondering if Joia knew what she had been thinking or whether it was an accident that she had spoken Trinity's mind.

"The door is open, I can see where I will now," answered Joia smiling craftily, as though Trinity had spoken the words aloud! So Trinity purposefully went blank as she had learned during her training. Joia gave her a sharp appraising look, but said nothing else and Trinity could not be sure whether or not she had successfully closed herself, time would tell.

When they entered the house, Trinity was not quite surprised when Joia began to gather the things that Trinity had been thinking that they might need. Cloaks and packs, Trinity had more than enough for two, a little food, changes of clothes she went and got each thing as though she had lived in the house for years, even though she had never been here before. She got some money from where it was hidden and some necessary magical implements as Trinity looked on impassively, it was not a good time to show her feelings. "There, we have all that we will need!" and Joia stepped out the door without looking behind to see that Trinity followed.

When they got outside, Joia stood thoughtfully for a moment and then raised her hands and spoke words of power and Trinity's house seemed to burst into flames, and heat radiated out of it though Trinity had eyes to see that it burned not at all. By morning, it would appear to be nothing but rubbish, though it stood as before it would be hidden and relatively safe. This was a powerful spell, one that not many could control and here was her sister, with no training at all performing it as easily as one might cook an egg.

"I perform you a service as you have performed me one," Joia said wryly, then gestured into the woods behind the cave for Trinity to follow.

Trinity had always loved the forest. Many trees have spirits and Trinity could feel them so she had never felt lonely there, she had always felt a welcoming. As they walked this feeling grew stronger than it ever had before and it began to seem that the whole forest was waking up somehow, they no longer needed to find a path, it opened in front of them and blessedly, closed behind them. There would be no need to worry about pursuers, at least for now they could relax.

So they walked, Trinity feeling like she was in a dream and it was later in the day that the wind picked up, and it was scented as though it came from a place where it was always Spring and everyone was happy. Then the air seemed to converge and the leaves began to tremble in a peculiar manner, first here, then there. It appeared like something invisible was hopping from tree to tree just in front of them, thought Trinity bemusedly. Her mind began to wander with poetry and song, then suddenly the slyphs came into focus.




Trinity knew what they were and she was stunned and humbled, it was a great honor for an elemental to show themselves to humans, it hardly ever happened. Yet there they were, riding joyfully on the breezes that they brought with them, spinning and whirling in the eddies, playfully tapping on the leaves and branches as they passed them, making them tremble. One darted by a flower bush and gleefully threw the petals in the air. She smiled hesitantly at one as it darted by and it returned and alighted on her shoulder. Then it sang into her ear, with a sweet voice, "Greetings from Paralda! Her sons and daughters pay you tribute!" The slyph mischeviously tugged on Trinity's ear, then flew off ruffling her hair playfully as she went.

Joia looked back at Trinity and Trinity thought she saw a suspicious light in her sisters eyes, but she wasn't sure. "It's becoming windy," Joia commented inscrubably.

And so they walked and Trinity's eyes feasted on the Slyphs as they went and she cared not about hunger or thirst or fatigue, she was nearly too enchanted for that. Then twilight came upon the forest and the air was suddenly filled with lightning bugs, they converged around Trinity who was behind Joia, and flew much faster than a lighning bug should be capable of, so that Trinity knew that something else amazing was about to occur.

Then the Salamanders that had been flitting around her came into focus as suddenly as the Slyphs had done and she gasped. When the Salamanders saw that she could see them they let out a cheer, all at once, in little metallic voices and began to streak madly around her and in front of her yelling, "The children of Djin adore you, Lady. Ask of us what you will, it will be our privelege to serve you!" And they flew through her hair, cackling as they went, making it stand up with static. One flew too close to a tree and set a twig on fire as it went and she saw another appear to angrily chide it though she couldn't be sure as it was too far away to hear their tiny little voices.

This was unheard of! She was being courted by two families of elementals, and in the name of their Kings! She tried to understand this and she could not! Never had she heard of such a thing before! Trinity was close to smiling, remember, Trinity did not easily smile! Joia turned to look with flinty eyes, said nothing and continued to follow the path the forest was making for them.

So the forest led them on and eventually they came to a small stream. It was cool somehow acrid, the water seemed to have a health to it, to be more than just ordinary water somehow and she walked to it and splashed her arms and face luxuriously in it. And as the water ran off her face, she heard hundreds of tiny chiming giggles and saw the Undines that she had scooped up sliding off of her face and hair and arms and laughing as they dove back into the water. And they leaped and whipped through the water, smiling and laughing and waving at her and saying, "Those who serve Necksa welcome you. You bring us hope, we bring you peace."

And they jumped through the water making a fine mist and as Joia and Trinity walked along the stream, Trinity was misted as she went. And the Slyphs wafted through her hair and made it to curl, more artfully than she had ever been able to, into whimsical lovelocks as they went and the Salamanders crackled and sparked in the air around. Trinity had such a sense of well-being that she had never had before, she had never known that it was even possible to feel so present, yet dreamy at the same time.

Joia turned and glared at her and Trinity did not care. This was not her sister, she knew this now, that another resided there as well. It didn't scare her, she knew that everything would work out well and that she was going to have an adventure regardless and she lived for those. "Peh, why did I want to open a shop!" she wondered.

And they walked through the night until the night began to turn to day. Finally, the path led them to the foot of the mountains that divide the South from the North. And here they stopped, it was no longer clear to Trinity which way they should go now...now that the forest was no longer leading them. If Joia knew what they should do next she wasn't telling. She sat on a stone as still as a stone and said no more.

And directly above them, a small avalance of gravel from the rock wall that they were sitting beneath rained down on them and out peeked some gnomes. The stared suspiciously for a moment before they stepped out fully. Then, they bowed and said stiffly, as though they were reciting a lesson they had been forced to memorize, "We who worship Gob salute you, our lady. Only ask and we shall do your bidding." Then they sat down, smoking little pipes and watched the other elementals dourly and said no more.

As Trinity was marvelling over this, a shadow appeared above them. She knew it was Brian and looked up to watch him descend. He alighted, opened his mouth as though to speak, then took in the dance around him which he could see for Dragons can naturally see elementals, they do not need to be chosen.

He then bowed before Trinity, which she did not like at all and said, " I always knew that you had greatness in you. But even I did not know that you had such greatness in you as this!"

Honoring a choice made for the right reasons

I am working on the final chapters of my story, but wanted to write about something else that I have been thinking about lately. As people who have been reading my blog know, I have had trouble at my job since I started and this has been a source of depression for me. I work in a hospital laboratory and I am a medical laboratory technician. I have the 2 year degree rather than the 4.

Most people don't know what an MLT does or what we learn in school. The fact that it only requires a 2 year degree is deceptive. It is a difficult course of study, especially for someone like me who is not strong in math. I had a lot of trouble with chemistry and I hate chemistry to this day.

Medical laboratory science is hard science, like chemistry or physics is hard science. This field is very under-rated, we are as important as the nurses and do not get credit for this. Actually, what we study is much more difficult. A hospital could not run without us and important medical decisions could not be made.

I was in college taking general courses not decided on a major yet when I signed up for a class in microbiology. Much to my surprise, me, who likes history and to read etc....found this class absolutely fascinating. And I think that I enjoyed getting outside of my little box for awhile and taking my mind in a different direction.

So, I began to consider this career. And this is what decided me, strange as this may sound. One day, I was at school up in the library looking at strange books that no-one had probably picked up in 20 years. (I'll read almost anything.) And I got this eerie thought, a thought that actually creeped me out thought I can't really explain why exactly or even explain the thought exactly, it was more an image than a thought I guess. But it was this image that I got that none of this stuff was really important....that no-one read these books....that no-one really cared what these people had to say except maybe a few other intellectuals in the same field...that these people were in essence talking to themselves. And this made me so sad.



(Sorry for this picture guys! I know it is very depressing and the first time that I saw things like this I had to hide somewhere until I stopped crying....but this is why I chose this. I wanted to help people.)

And I felt that I wanted to touch life, not just think about it if this makes sense and I chose my field. I did very well on the entrance exam and was accepted immedietely. I was so proud of myself for doing so well and then I found out that nearly anyone would have been accepted because this field is in trouble, no-one is going into it. Programs are shutting down. If something doesn't happen there will be a crisis in the next 10 to 15 years when this big surge of MTS and MLTs will be retiring. I'm expecting that our pay will increase when this happens as there has to be an incentive for people to go into this. Because the hours certainly suck!

I enthusiastically began the program and.....I hated it! I absolutely hated it! I don't even know how I made it through. Just on pure stubborness I guess. Sometimes I didn't even understand why I was being so stubborn about something that I hated so much.

Simply speaking, I had a crappy teacher. He was a brilliant and kind man, a very special person....who couldn't teach. He loved the subject. He was so smart! He saw the subject as a whole which, you would have to know a little bit about the subject to understand this statement but, to get to a point where there is no boundaries in your knowledge of this field, that it isn't separated into hematology and virology and chemistry..but is understood as a whole means that you have completely mastered it.

Unfortunately, new students don't learn well this way with a teacher who jumps around from topic to topic without staying in the subject that they are teaching. He chose books for the course which were beyond the subject matter that we actually needed to know as MLTs just because he thought that it would be interesting for us and then gave no indication of what we may be being tested on. This subject matter was too condensed, a student needs some guidance in order to be able to do well on a test. It's all fine and good to say that we should be learning the subject matter because it is interesting, not just learning to regurgitate information that we have memorized from notes but the fact remains that when you are in school you have to take tests and in order to work in the field you have to pass them.

Hardly anyone passed the tests so he would curve the grades to make sure we passed. Basically, if you stayed in the program you would pass it, even if you flunked every single test.

I am a perfectionist as a student and take getting good grades very seriously, as a matter of fact too seriously, so I had a very hard time with all of this. It was very discouraging. I felt insecure because there is a myth in our society that only people who are good in the sciences and in math are actually and truly intelligent. I tried not to buy into this but I couldn't help it, I started feeling really insecure and stupid. Probably this has to do with my Dad, my dad thinks that people who are good in literature and things like that aren't truly intelligent.




Somehow I made it through. Well, I guess the above explains how I made it through doesn't it? Okay, let me rephrase this. Somehow I managed to not drop out of the program and even became ASCP certified. (passed an exam) and I've always felt like an impostor. I've always felt like I don't deserve to be doing this. I'm always afraid of people seeing through my bluff and I've never taken satisfaction in the field, which is a shame considering how passionate I was about it at one time.

I wonder how this has affected me at work? I have been a target at this job since I started. I wonder how much of my insecurity is causing my problems? I have the feeling that it is probably causing a lot of it. Because I'm not completely open, I don't mean open as in confiding...I mean open as in relaxed as opposed to guarded. I wonder how much this has influenced their opinion of me and made them see me as devious or sinister. Because I've always felt that they have really misjudged me and I've never exactly understood who it is that they think that I am....or why! But I think this may have something to do with it.....it just feels right, you know?

The other day I picked up one of the texts in the lab and started reading it and that same fascination that I used to feel before I started the program came back to me. This is truly an interesting subject. It's very dry and I have trouble with dry subjects, but this one holds me interest despite it 'aridity'.

So, I got to thinking....maybe I'll start reading the texts and learn it on my own and get to know it the way that I wish I had to begin with. I wonder how much the problems I have been having would end if I did this. And lots of people have probably wondered why I don't just get a new job if I have had trouble at this one and now that you have read this...does it make sense?

Guys, what goes on in the human body is absolutely fascinating. The complexity of it all is practically endless. My field goes very deep into it. It is unbelievable all of the processes that take place and how involved it all is and yet, it works and we all live and usually nothing goes wrong.

So, I think that for now, this is my answer. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and I never expected that the answer would be to embrace the choice that I made 10 years ago and to give myself credit for having had some wisdom in making it. I have been looking at going back to school, just getting out of it totally. And that isn't really practical but I have been bucking against it, being stubborn again and telling myself that I will go to school, no matter how hard it is...I will do it. And I am stubborn enough that if I really decided that that was the right thing to do, I would do it. But I don't think it is the answer. I think that answer is to start back at the beginning and go through the books and just enjoy myself and finish what I started 10 years ago before I let myself be thrown off track by doubts and bad teachers.

Well, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I will write another segment of the Trinity soon. I don't know if even this one will be the end. I didn't actually expect that it would be this long. It's funny how when you write something, the story just takes over and you are just writing what you see.

Trinity, Part III

Magic is a wild thing, not something to be controlled but only channelled. Those who think that they can control it are mistaken and will eventually pay for that mistake, as Trinity did.

To perform magic properly requires vast knowledge and is not possible for one person to know all there is. To be a true sorceress, ones quest for knowledge can never end. It is necessary to understand the world you live in in order to manipulate it. It is also important to understand that you don't know all there is to know, not even close.

Trinity had never been afraid to look at things, she peered into what most people ran away from. She thought about death, she thought about pain, she thought about hate and loneliness and fear. She tried to understand the mind of the killer as well as the victim. The things she saw scared her, they made her sad. Sometimes she would cry inconsolably. This, her teacher had told her, was the thing that would set her apart from the rest, could make her great rather than average. It was good that her teacher encouraged her in this for no-one else did.

Joia had never liked looking at darkness, she thought that it made you sick of spirit. She tried to focus on the beauty and light and good that was around her. And when she became involved with Justo, her talent for this was put to the test! In order to see the good in her marriage and in her life, she had to lie to herself. And the more things progressed, the more lies she had to tell until finally her life was constructed on a fragile tower of untruths. The energy she exerted to maintain these illusions was prodigious. Her thinking became rigid, to see one lie would mean seeing them all and seeing them all would mean that she would have to change. She would have to find her life and herself again, underneath all of the lies and she was afraid. Mostly afraid that maybe what she thought of as herself actually consisted of nothing.

A glamour-off, as you may have guessed, is a spell in which a person is forced to see the truth under the things that they lie to themselves about. It is one of the most powerful spells and Trinity shouldn't have used it. The truth can be hard and painful and can wound deeply, especially the heart of one who cannot bear it.

Trinity had used great power when performing her spell, but no finesse. The spell caused Joia to see not only the things she had avoided seeing about Justo and herself, that was only a small part of all she had been lying to herself about. She saw all other things as well.

Joia was quiet on the way home from the confrontation with Trinity. When she and Justo arrived at their house she simply collapsed into a chair and spoke no more. Justo called to her but she did not answer, it was as though she couldn't see him. And she couldn't, all she could see were the visions in front of her eyes. The visions came fast, wave after wave crashing into her so that she could hardly catch her breath, she sat with tears streaming down her face.

The things she saw were so ugly to her, if hurt her to see them. She saw that her marriage was a sham, just as Trinity had wanted her to, oh but that was the least and most insignificant thing that she saw.

The world unravelled sickenly before her eyes. She was going deeper and deeper into it, past the surface and inside. She saw the spinning orbs that make up matter and the cold empty spaces between. She saw earth and sky, the wood and the stone, the dark and the light and how they weren't really anything separate and how everything blended into everything else, how everything traded pieces of itself. She saw how people conspire to create reality and how what we call life and and law and truth are all just consensual illusions.

She saw that flesh is but dust and that death is hidden in life. She saw the futility of all the lives ever lived, and how all who had gone before were forgotten as though they never existed. She thought she could see the hopeful faces of millions of people who once thought like her, that their lives had meant something and how now even their names were not remembered. She thought of time and how it had run over everything and everyone since the beginning of the world, crushing them in its relentless forward motion and how meaningless it all was.

She sunk to her knees and saw in front of her eyes, as though seeing a vision, all of these things until the earth became a mass graveyard with uncountable corpses underneath inside of it, mixing with the earth and becoming it. She felt that nothing meant anything and that it was all different than anyone knew. She laid on the floor and moaned and shook, with her hands against her head as though she was trying to hold it together.

Justo grew frightened, she would not respond, neither to roughness or softness. He had no choice but to send for Trinity. By the time Trinity arrived, Joia had seen something she needed to see and was waking up.

She glanced around inscrubly and turned and walked out the door. She told Justo goodbye and that was the last thing that she said for a very long time. And Trinity had quite a time setting this right.