my previous post was something that I have been thinking about writing for a long time. I'm afraid that I may have come out sounding a little self-righteous. If I did, please forgive, I didn't mean to.
I was a terribly sensitive child. I got my feelings hurt very easily. I fretted about slights, worried when I thought that I had done something wrong and I went through a stage where I almost wouldn't speak when I met someone new. I was painfully shy and just sat back and I watched people much of the time. I was very aware of what was going on inside of other people (to the best of my ability, I was only a child) and if someone was angry with me I felt this very intensly.
My children come from my genes (their dad is also sensitive, so they got a double whammy!) and they have a quality similar to mine, or maybe it's environmental I don't know. This is why it's hard for me to be tough with my kids. I wouldn't have needed anyone to be tough with me, all you would have had to do was talk to me and 90% of the time I would have complied.
My mother is the cerebral sort, doesn't place too much importance on feelings. She also wasn't ready to have a kid yet when she had me and didn't want to be bothered with me. As long as I didn't interrupt her from her reading or talking on the telephone or whatever and as long as I didn't make a big mess for her to have to clean up, I could do whatever I wanted. But when I annoyed her, the punishment was harsher than it needed to be and was done out of anger.
I remember how emotionally painful it was for me to be punished like I was and I suppose it is all these things in combination that makes it hard for me to be rough with my girls. The thing that I remember most is being so surprised that anyone would treat me like I was a 'bad girl' because I knew that I wasn't. I really felt the unfairness of that.
I'm not trying to go into a big 'whine-fest' about how mistreated I was as a child. I grew up in a fairly affluent household and had many advantages as well, it wasn't all bad. I'm merely trying to explain from whence my attitude stems.
I also grew up in a small town of people who were intrinsically different than my own family. Since I was already shy, this was very painful for me. They made fun of me because I liked to read, they made fun of me for my liberal views, they made fun of me because I wasn't good at sports though strangely, when I played sports with a group of friends that I didn't feel shy around, I did jusr fine. I didn't relate to them at all, but it never occurred to me when I was young that maybe they were the ones who were wrong, not me. There were so many of them and I was just one. My mother was completely oblivious to what was going on, she just wasn't made to deal with things like that.
So, I'm soft with my girls. I assume that they are the same as me, that when they do something bad it is because they didn't really understand or because maybe what I am expecting from them is too much for their age. So far it's worked. I realize that there are children who may have a different temperament from my own and that my approach may not be at all effective with these children.
I didn't do as well with my son as I have done with my daughters, though my son has turned out great too. I let people pressure me. They told me that I was being too soft on him and that if I wasn't stricter that he would turn out bad. Joel was sort of contrary. And there are people who think that if your child doesn't blindly obey your every order that they are bad kids. I let one of these people influence me when I was young. I wish that I hadn't. If I could do it all over again, I would have raised him just like I do my girls and he would have ended up good like he is now but we would have happier memories.
It was about this time that I found a book, which I read, that affected me so deeply that I was finally able to break away from this pressure of wondering whether or not I was wrong in being so soft with my son and to finally believe that I was not leading him towards trouble. It was called The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This book has become a classic with therapists from what I understand.
Ms. Miller obtained a popular childrearing manual that German mothers at the turn of the century used for advice in the best way to raise a child. These mothers were the mothers of the men and women who grew up to be the Nazi generation in Germany. By using quotes from this childrearing manual and tying them with circumstances and occurences she sheds much light into the psychosocial dynamics of why things like the Holocaust occur.
The main culprit is what she calls 'shame-based' childrearing practices. Shame-based childrearing practices evolve from the belief that children are bad and that it is the job of their parents or caretakers to force them towards goodness, left to their own devices they will never grow to become moral people. This involves breaking the will of the child, forcing the child to accept authority. Their moral compass then comes from outside of them rather than being something intrinsic. As they are always looking outwards to other people to tell them what to do, they lack the ability to think for themselves and can be easily led to commit immoral acts, especially if they are being prompted towards committing an immoral act by someone whom they consider to be an authority.
As force is used against them in order to bend them to will of another, they begin to associate 'power-over' as being the only type of power that there is, they don't fully understand power that comes from within. If brutal force is used against them then they associate brutality with power, there has to be a winner and a loser and they intend to be the winner. I have known people like this and I've noticed that they talk about respect a lot yet they seem to respect no-one. They seem to think that respect and obedience are synonomous.
I was talking to a woman I work with last night (she really gets on my nerves.) She was talking about the good old days, (my god, she's only 50) when kids got off their fat asses (her words) and walked to school, they didn't need a bus to take them 4 blocks. I mentioned to her that people don't want their children to get abducted or targeted by child molestors and she retorted with, "We had all that stuff back then too." as though being abducted by a childmolestor should be some sort of rites of passage ceremony.
Then she went on to say that if you did something wrong and someone elses parent saw you then they would (her words again) beat your ass, tell your parents and your parents would beat your ass and by the time it was all over with, you might have had your ass beaten 3 times. This was what she called being taught respect. Knowing that there are people loose in this world with that attitude make me even more inclined to protect my children. (You guys, the people I work with drive me nuts. This blog is my life-line.)
I just don't see all of these horrible kids that she is talking about and I hear other people talking about them too. I do see lots of lost souls however. Guess it's just a difference in perspective. Why do I, who am not religious, tend to see 'lost souls' and people who I know that are religious seem to see 'sinners.'
I guess there is going to be a part 3 to this, I am not quite able to get done.
15 comments:
When I sat at the back of the bus which had seats facing it.....I remember being directly opposite; eye to eye, when suddenly I felt/imagined the other person being able to hear me thinking. I was thinking out loud and couldn't stop it. I was burning up and at the same time frozen to the spot.
If you were a feling type and your mother a thinking type then I gather there may have been friction at times?
"happier memories" It is hard I know- you can't change the past.
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"This involves breaking the will of the child" This line sends a shiver through me and the rest....
People need to project their sin on to others to be free of it; build a belief in a god who is on their side, reward them and punish the sinners.
Great Post.
Y;-) Paddy
Well, you know I believe that kids should walk to school, but I am with you on being against strict parenting.
How do you define a bad kid? Most kids are sort of self-centered and often mean, I think that is just normal behavior.
well, i think i identify with some of yr observations...
like, I am/was a contrary child... my mom (who was th prime dictator) wasnt harsh very much for being contrary... (i hope she was secretly proud) but as lot of people would ask why i couldnt be like everyone else... but thats helped me now, when Im on my own, that I can stand up for myself and do what i feel is right, irrespective of what everyone else thinks...
i wasnt petted.. and i abhor it when parents fawn over their children. i think theyll get ruined when exposed to the world.. and i abhor it when parents dont encourage independence among children.. and it shows..
for me, 5 years ago, when i was in school, if i had to go about a km, walking was the option.. today kids dont even consider that as a possibility.. theyre disgusted when i tell them this is how i grew up... i think its one, the affluence having caught up, and two, luxury having made them numb..
Paddy, this is why I never became a marijuana smoker. When I smoked it, I always felt like everyone knew what I was thinking and I confused my own feelings with theirs. For instance, if I said something and I thought that it was possibly a stupid thing to say then I felt that they were the ones who thought it was stupid.
The hardest part about growing up with a mother so different from myself is that I had no validation. It took me a very long time to learn how to deal with all of my feelings and to respect my own feelings.
People really scare me sometimes. It's not that I feel like I am immedietly in danger. But sometimes I can see a spirit. the same spirit that made the Salem Witchcraft trials (I suppose you are familiar with that story) or the Holocaust or the Inquisitions or the Taliban possible. I'm not sure why I always see this. I assume its because it's really there.
Trevor-I have become unreasonable with my fear of something happening to my children. I am going to have to get over this. But my children are still small and if you saw where I live you would understand a little bit better. I live near the downtown very near a courthouse. This is the county courthouse which serves one of the roughest cities in the US. There are all sorts of unsavory people walking around who are not from here and I don't feel entirely comfortable with the situation.
And what I took offense at more than her thinking that kids should walk to school was her calling them fat asses etc...Why would someone talk that way about little kids? That's sick!
This is a brilliant post! I relate a lot to how sensitive you described yourself as a child, coz thats how I felt when I went to boarding school (though I went of my own free will, and fought with my parents for one yr to let me go!)... Sometimes even today I'm not open to new people much, and am very aware of when someone is angry with me.. When I was at home with my parents, I didn't feel like this, so I guess it stemmed more from being alone... Though ultimately things turned out fine :)) I sometimes wonder how I will be with my children, wondering what way I will bring them up.. Anyways, this is a great post, and I love the way you've opened up your heart! :)
Where are you living? The 19th Century? Your neighbor really sounds mean-spirited if she thinks that enacting violence against children is something that should occur to them. I would suspect that, at the age of 50, she doesn't have young young uns', and is simply frustrated by society's new restraints on inflicting pain on a child that isn't hers.
The use of violence in punishment might teach parental values, but it also can teach other things: (1) violence is the right of the authority; (2) violence can always be rationalized as existing in the victim's best interest; (3) the degree to which one is morally right is determined by how easily they can commit violent acts upon the weaker.
I used to be a very sensitive child as well... but people kept on telling me that a big girl like me (I was always too tall for my age) shouldn't be shy and quiet. I've no idea why I let that get to me because I've become louder than I intended :) And I love it! Haha! I'd like to ask though... given that you and your hubby are both sensitive, does it work out well? I mean, I've heard of the whole opposites attract thing... and that being too similar can be troublesome. How do you both deal with sensitive situations where both of you have gotten hurt? :) I'm just genuinely curious... I hope I didn't ask it in a way that was offensive.
ab-Thanks for stopping by my blog. I looked at yours a little last night too. It looks really neat. I will come back and read more later. Honestly, I believe that the main thing to teach a child is self-esteem. If they are taught self-esteem everything else should work out. We all have our own personalities and what works for one child may not work for another child.
My son was contrary and I had to be sterner with him. He also isn't very sensitive and I think that this had something to do with it. Being scolded didn't really affect him much, he didn't really care. The funny thing about him is neither did taking away his toys, video games etc...He was very content as well. Nothing really phased him. And it is funny how people don't walk anymore. When I was young I thought nothing of walking or riding my bike. I lived in a small town and I would ride my bike a mile uptown several times a day just to get a soda or somthing.
x-It is very hard for me to work with these people sometimes. I spend so much time around them and their attitudes are actually offensive to me. I didn't even know that people thought this way anymore until I began working there. There is only roughly 10 years difference in our ages but such a difference in our attitudes. Makes me glad that I have not allowed myself to get rigid and anachronistic.
I have noticed that children of parents that liberally use spanking as a punishment tend to have more defiant children. I'm not going to say that spanking a child always ruins them, it depends on how it's done. But if it's done in anger and as the sole means of discipline it teaches them not to have respect for their own bodies as does teaching them that they have to eat, even if they are not hungry. Self-esteem is the best gift that you can give a child.
One of the things that I stress to my daughter is that she needs to learn to tell people how she feels and to say no. I have been learning a lot about sensitivity lately. It has become one of my interests. I am finding out that some sensitive people have nervous systems that are wired differently. this explains a lot to me and I will be doing a post on it eventually. It is a good thing for me to know as well, because it helps me cope with my daughter. Her and I are both sensitive but she handles it much differently than I did and sometimes its hard for me to understand. Of course, when I was young, none of these things were understood or taught to teachers in college so her experiences at school have been much different than mine. They are much more understanding with her than they were with me, I felt ashamed of being the way I was and always tried to be tough to hide it. This caused me to get into situations where I was over my head. She is being admired for her qualities.
My husband is senstive but in a much different way than I am. And your right, it causes a lot of problems. My husband comes from a very macho culture so he has worked hard to overcome it, I think. Mexico is a very rough place and he fought a lot when he was young. He learned to stuff that part of himself back, and to have a little bit of disdain for it. He treats my daughter well but is very hard on me sometimes which I don't really understand. But we all have our traumas don't we. I do and he does, like everyone, and our problems in communicating originate from there. I'm sure that everyone is like that.
Hey, BBE. I'll be back to comment and ramble a bit, just wanted to say I have an award for you!
the other thing that i wonder about is the effect of material punishment... like, no play for the rest of the summer..
I mean there was a time when mom used to give me these punishments, when i was really young.. like i got a little less marks for hindi (which anyway im still pathetic) and she banned me from singing in th school choir, and i had just got th chance to sing th lead vocal... way back wen i was in th 4th... i still remind her of that... again, wen i was in 6th also, less marks, then she took away something which meant something to me... now, thats punishment alright, and maybe i deserved it.. but for what good? the only thing that remains is a lost opportunity...
i did finally started studying in th 11th, and she's kind of happy... th biggest joke is she is now happier when i excrel in extra curicular stuff like quizzes, music or work...:)
i guessed she learned.. bcos my sister doesn get punished like that
It's okay Eric, from what I gather, you have to go to the library to use your computer....I would go through withdrawals.
Ab-Wow, that story makes me sad! Parents are so scared of their children ending up bad that they go overboard.
Hey, BBE, thanks for understanding.
I'm at my sisters right now. I need to stay in this area and finish up here. I'll lose too many dredits transferring to Michigan State. But I'm kind of free floating at the moment. A writer.s lifestyle, to be sure. A tramp poet. Sweet.
Good to see parents that care for their children like you do. I remember your post about your daughter and about how you feared abductions. In a another way, pop culture abducts children and makes them think things besides or contrary to what parents teach. The best intentions can be undone by Mtv or HBO. There are so many things facing parents that I want no part of the whole business od child rearing. If I have a kid, I will do what I must, but I try not to get in that situation if I can.
Your book and music list is cool! It's great to see the classics be honored. They are often regarded that way for a reason.
I read this book--I've read many of hers. She is great. But much of what she writes, scares me.
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