One of my lessons this last year has been that I have certain limitations that no amount of willpower will ever change. It's not easy to admit that you have a limitation because no-one really wants to have one. But the hardest part of all is that we live in a society that does not respect limitations.
If you don't believe me try a little experiment. Tell someone that you can't do something because of a condition that you have. Tell them that you can't sit in a chair for longer than an hour because you have a bad back, or tell them that you can't stay out late because if you don't have 8 hours sleep you can't function the next day. Or tell them....oh I don't know. You make it up. But the key is, it has to be something that they can't see. It has to be something that they have to take your word about, and it has to be something that the majority of people can do without any trouble.
Actually, I'll bet you don't even have to do the experiment. I'll bet you already know what will happen, don't you? People will think that you make excuses for yourself. People will think that if you really wanted to do it, you could. They won't say anything most of the time, but you can tell by reading their expressions what they are thinking. You can also read newspapers etc..and get a pretty good idea of the standing opinion on things like this.
My mom says that workaholism is an addiction and that it is an acceptable one in our culture. Think about this one. If someone were an alcoholic and spent all their time away from home, ignoring their family, they would be condemned for it. If a workaholic spends all their time away from home ignoring their family, they will be praised for it. I realize that being an alcoholic is not the same thing as being a workaholic and there are other factors involved in the reason why it is disapproved of but my point is, workaholism is not a particularly healthy way of being, yet it is highly approved of.
We live in a tough society where you are mostly judged by what you have and what your accomplishments are. There is little room for limitations, especially ones no-one can see but you. And if your limitations have caused you to not have much or have achieved much you are thought to be a loser. At least, that's how a lot of people think.
Does it really matter what people think? It depends. As long as you know who you are, it is still lonely, but you can live with it and in the end it doesn't matter. But as far as expecting empathy or any types of concessions, then yes it does matter. You are already at a disadvantage and no-one is going to level the playing field for you in any way and that's the way it is.
Am I saying that I expect concessions? No, I'm not. Through all of this, I still feel like I am lucky. I don't really want any life besides the one I have. Things could be better, but things could be worse too and I'm well aware of that.
But it's hard sometimes. My dad's birthday was Tuesday. We all go out to eat every year on his birthday and cousins, uncles etc...come too. I have something of a reputation with my family. As you can imagine, being bipolar, I have a spotty history and everyone knows it. They don't know why, and I'm not telling them, I'm not that close to them.
But when the conversation finally came around to the fact that I'm not working presently, it wasn't difficult for me to see what they thought of it. I understand that most people are ignorant on the topic of bipolar disorder and if they truly understood, they would not be as judgemental. I also know that even if I told them, they wouldn't understand. It's something that you have to have lived with to truly understand.
I forgive them, but it's still just....hard. I get tired of it. I get tired of people jumping to conclusions about me, conclusions that simply aren't true. I can handle it because I do have a support system but that's because I'm at home right now. When I worked, I didn't have one because it's just the nature of work that there aren't allowances made for my type of issues. And it's more than likely that that will be how it is again when I go back to work. And this makes things hard for very practical reasons.
I'm scared to go back to work and have it start all over again. It was hard. It's hard to keep going when you feel like shit. And you have to go in, no matter whether you feel well or not and people notice. And they talk and they scrutinize you. At my last job, I felt like I just couldn't win. Once I came under their scrutiny they just didn't let up.
Sometimes, I have a hard time with my energy levels. I just get so lethargic that it's an effort for me to do anything. They assumed that I was lazy when I got this way. When I got muddled up, they assumed that I just didn't care about my job. They made a lot of unfair assumptions and I forgive them, but it was traumatic....it's sort of driven me into a shell and made me dread having this ever happen to me again.
So, I have come to some conclusions. First of all, I think that I am always going to have trouble working full-time. I'm not lazy, I just can't maintain that level of functioning demanded, no matter how hard I try. I suppose if I ever have to work full-time again, then I'll just have to...but I don't think that I'll ever be the best employee.
I would really like to work from home. It takes energy to do a job, but for me, dealing with people when I'm not feeling well takes much more energy than just working does. I'm just not 'on' all the time. And people misconstrue it and there is nothing that I can do about it because that's just the way it is for me sometimes. It seems to me that if I worked at home and I didn't feel well, no-one would have to know. As long as I could drag myself to the computer and get the work done, it wouldn't matter if I was so lethargic that I didn't even feel like combing my hair. At least I wouldn't have to deal with people when I felt that way.
So here come the limitations again. I know what I want to do. I want to learn courtroom reporting. Only, I don't want to work as a courtreporter. I want to work with the deaf. I want to do captioning and teleconferences and conventions and attend school with people who are hearing impaired and give them verbatim transcripts of the lecture. I know that I've talked about learning sign language, but that was only because I had told myself that captioning was probably out of the question for me. But this is what I really want to do.
I've e-mailed the director of the program and explained my situation to her and asked her opinion. I told her that I think that I could learn to do this accurately, but that I'm afraid that I might have trouble being completely accurate all of the time. I told her that I know that this would make me unable to do courtroom reporting, but asked her if it would make me unable to do the Cart reporting as well?
It will be a bitter blow for me if she tells me that she thinks that due to my problems, it probably wouldn't be the field for me, but if she does, I guess I will just have to live with it. So, I'm awaiting her answer. Hope it's good news. If not, then I guess I will just have to accept my limitations.
11 comments:
yesss i am the first to comment
yeah it's hard for people who haven't experienced something to understand. they make think they do but in reality it's just understanding at the basic level.
limitations suck but what can you do but adapt
happy new year =)
I'll admit it. I am one of the people who doesn't understand when other people have limitations.
What you see in other people has historic sociological roots in what's called 'the Protestant ethic.' When people live to work, instead of the other way around, it makes sense in a culture that equates wealth with salvation.
This comes from a Calvinistic tenet called the 'Doctrine of the Elect [or Doctrine of the Election].' Some Protestant faiths believe that God will only allow a select few into heaven, no matter what one does or believes. Thoe that are "elect" will know it because God will show favor to them during their lifetimes. Usually, favor translated into prosperity.
The thing was, though, for one to have prosperity, one must either be born rich or work like hell to become rich. Thus, the sanctity of wealth became the sanctity for work by the time the Puritans came to the Western Hemisphere (the old saying, "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop").
For this reason, some have called this the "Protestant Work Ethic." But in later years, I've begun to see this, ironically, as the Protestant Success Ethic, the reasoning being that if one is industrious, then he or she should have something to show for it.
While this is a vestage of American culture that has long roots (compare US labor culture to that of Europe, for example), most people are unaware of its origins. They simply equate a working person with a good person. The more one works, the better one presumably is, hence workaholism. The less one works, the more people ascribe their inactivity to sinister traits such as laziness. Any attempt to explain inactivity is thus seen as an excuse.
Some churches still have the Doctrine of the Elect (e.g., the Presbyterian Church, of which I'm a former member). They don't take it all that seriously these days. But the basic belief is still there, in our culture.
Everyone has limitations. Some people are lucky enough to be able to either mask them (especially from themselves) or work around them.
As for anything else I might say, I'll just ditto Winai.
I have some self imposed limitations. I don't make bombs for example.
I used to be a workaholic, I got over it. I dated a Protestant for a while a few years ago, she was a go getter for sure. But they never seem to be happy with what they have and are always wanting more. I'm okay with what I have though.
Now if I could just stop smoking.
God, do I understand this post. I too, learned about my limitations over the last couple of years, and yes, society is not generous or forgiving of such. But they will meet that dead end soon enough.
BBE, you're my buddy.
See, I'm one who tends to think people are doing the best they can at any given moment--we just don't get to know where another person's walking that day.
And I'm inclined to believe we all have some limitations, seen or unseen.
Adapting, making the best from what we do have/can do is the best we can do.
Any given day might be better than another....or worse....
We just muddle through the best we can.
And when our best isn't 'good enough'.....we get to embrace that part of ourselves anyway--cuz it's the best we could give at that moment in time.
Maybe I'm weird? LOL I've been told that before!
hehe i perfectly understand about th lethargy part, though i suspect in my case it IS actually lethargy....
i hope this year will be blessed.... i would say jus take it slow and relaxed... like, you can afford not to work too, cant you.. and ultimately your immediate family does understand..
that said, its a mad thing not to be working... jus tune out of wat ppl say... i tell mom that most of th time, these very same people never compliment any good you do.. then why bother about th bad they think of you..
find a job wer you will be a littl more relaxed and try your best.. ultimately abstaining from working bcos of some bad days is jus gonna make you feel worse...
cheers, and happy new year.. God bless
I understand this so much, it's hard to talk about. Just know that I've been there. I'm still there.
I'm your buddy, too, as limited as I may sometimes--many times--be.
Peace out, my friend.
Winai-What I don't understand is why they seem to think that if they don't understand it, then it can't be true. And yes, limitations just are. You do need to accept them and see what else you can do.
Trevor-I admire your honesty.
X-I knew about the Protestant work ethic, but I didn't know about the Doctrin of the Elect. It's always amazed me how people get such a different interpretation of the Bible than what I got (when I read it.) I've known people who seem to have no inner life at all, they seem to not know what to do with themselves if they are not working. I've seen women who will work at a minimum wage job when they don't need the money just because they can't stand to stay home. I've never really understood them, I feel like we come from different planets. I always hear people wondering what is wrong with kids these days. The answer I usually hear is that they are spoiled, that they have too much that they never had to work for. What I think is wrong with them is that their parents value the things money can buy over their kids. It makes me so mad, that people like this try to dictate to the rest of us.
BBC-No-one could accuse me of being a work-a-holic. I'm drawing unemployment right now, I will be going back to work eventually. But I don't have any trouble leaving it all behind when it's time to go home and I don't want any over-time.
Enemy-I think that peoplegrow stronger through realizing their limitations. But you sure can't talk about it, can you? What makes it hard is when your limitations are things that are simple for other people. I can't stand people who become arrogant when they are doing well instead of realizing that they are blessed.
Mel-I'm like you, I believe that most people are doing the best that they can. It's a lot of work to understand other people. I guess that's why so many people don't try.
Ab-You're right. I can't use my fear as an excuse not to try and I realize that. And ultimately, I believe not working makes you too isolated and out-of-touch...which is not good. But I do think that when you have small children, you should try not to work as much, if you can. And your right about work, none of the jobs that I have had, does anyone ever say anything good. I wonder why they think that that is effective.
Eric-It is hard to talk about. After I posted it, I started to get this feeling of dread...like....uh oh! I wish I hadn't said that. But it's the truth. I try to remember that we are all on a spiritual journey and though we may look a certain way to the world, we are getting opportunities to grow that not everyone gets. It doesn't always help to think that way. When I'm in a bad mood, it sounds really bogus, but basically I think that is what I truly believe. It is an opportunity to grow...the test is, not to let it make you bitter.
I'm fortunate to part-time at a very great workplace 'office' (in an old Victorian) and most-time at home doing various projects, some for money and some not. I do feel some pressure that I should be working full-time, making more money, etc. Some of that pressure is external, some is self-imposed in my weaker moments. But all in all, I'm lucky to have this balance and I'd like to stick to it if I can. It's hard though not to let others/society define how much we should work.
Good luck with the captioning, it sounds really interesting, but don't put too much stock into one person's opinion. I wonder if you could talk to some people who are already doing that for a living and see what they think of their jobs and their workloads.
Benji-Life is wonderful and of course we all have to work, but if I can afford to work less and enjoy more of life....well that would be ideal for me. Besides, I have a full-time job at home. When I worked 40 hours, I had 2 full-time jobs.
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