I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. I've been asking myself why I have chosen some of the friends I have chosen. I've been asking myself if some of them have ever actually been my friends. Two friends in particular are on my mind. They were people I worked with 2 jobs ago that I have maintained contact with and now that we don't have the job in common, it seems like we have little else in common.
I befriended them because they seemed like lost souls and I am always a sucker for a lost soul having been one myself for so many years. We seemed to respond to things in the same way, especially things related to our job. They felt familiar to me on a very intrinsic level. I had always felt like a fuck-up and they felt like fuck-ups too and we had this in common. This is not a good basis for a friendship. Especially since I no longer feel like a Fuck-up and they still do.
Somehow I gradually took on the role of the confidant to them and they continually came to me for advice. In the beginning I didn't mind listening and being there for them, but as time passed, it became boring and my friends began to feel like burdens. I always felt drained when I was around them. I began to resent them. I wanted to tell them to go get a f***ing shrink and leave me alone.
Yet, I tolerated it because....I don't know why....maybe for several reasons. I suppose one reason was that I didn't want to hurt their feelings because I really did care for them and one of them especially is very vulnerable. And there was a part of me that felt good about being needed because somehow it makes everything that I've been through more bearable. But another reason is that I just plain couldn't figure out how to handle the situation gracefully.
I've always thought that people who turned a cold shoulder to people who are needy were cruel. Yet, I can see that they understood something that I didn't. They understood how hard it is to be in a relationship with some one who always needs something from you and never seems to get enough. Someone who only wants to talk about themselves. Someone who never seems to move on. Someone who is always in a crisis. Someone who has been dealing with the same issue ever since you have known them and never seems to learn anything from their mistakes. It's boring, boring, boring, boring, boring!!! It's draining, it's imposing and you don't mind being there if one day it is going to get better but some people never get better and I think my friends are those kind of people.
Gut Level Honest
I sometimes get this cold, dark thought that there is something intrinsically wrong with my friends, especially one of them that can't be fixed, and that she is a lost causes. And when I have these thoughts I despise myself. And I begin to feel that the way that I like to see myself, as a nice, understanding person, is just a facade. Not only am I just as bad as the people I criticize and call cruel, but I don't even have the character to admit that I feel the way that I do. Instead, I am smug and hypocritical, imagining myself to be above them in behavior when actually I am no better.
What do you do when you get that cold, dark voice inside of you and you realize that it is telling the unsentimental truth, stripped bare. Not the truth tied in a a pretty package with a bow on it....but the raw truth. What do you do with it when it isn't nice and you can no longer tell yourself that you feel differently.
What do you do when acknowledging the truth makes you feel like you have disappointed one of your own standards? What do you do when the truth is ugly and you've seen it and you know you will never be able to go back to not seeing it? What do you do when the truth is not flattering to people that you like? What do you do when you find out that you don't respect the people who you considered your friends?
What set me off and finally pushed me over the edge is that I finally recognized that my friends are very selfish. Simply, I have my own problems and I don't mind listening to you, that's what friends do, but I expect you to reciprocate from time to time and if you don't, you don't feel very much like a friend to me. You feel like a barnacle, a parasite, a tapeworm, a psychic vampire, a hole.
Sometimes when they talk to me I wonder if they even see me at all or if they are just searching for their reflection in my face.
I have often felt more alone when I am with them than when I am actually alone.
I wish they would stop it.
I have decided to stop talking to one of them because she is too rude. I am still willing to be friends with the other because I know she doesn't mean it.
Is having an opinion the same thing as judging. What is the difference? Has something similar ever happened to you? How did you reconcile it?
17 comments:
Oh yes, I've been there and it's true, you hit a wall where you find yourself looking into your own eyes. YOu start to think you are the same way and so you must deserve friends like these.
I have one very good friend who I STILL work with and so I've been putting up with this for a few years with her and I can't do anything about it. It's lunch every day; sometimes standing in the parking garage after work; sometimes she calls me on her way home from work.
Once I was on the phone with her and I was about to cry and I kept telling her that I was really frustrated because I couldn't find my keys. I didn't want to be on the phone because it only was adding to my frustration, but she's one of those people that you can say, 'well I gotta go' to and she'll still keep you for another 15 minutes. So, I kept saying to her, 'I have to go, I can't find my keys and I'm getting really cranky." and she just said, 'my dog is so cute' and then I'd say it again and she'd say, 'sassy is so cute' and so I just hung up on her.
Anyway, I have no idea what to do either. I'll look in on your blog here to see if anyone else has an idea. I could use it, too!
YOur writing is beautiful!
Ray-Is there anything that we don't have in common?
One of my friends burned me out so bad once that I almost lost it on her. We worked in the same lab together and she had trouble with someone she was dating. She wouldn't stop talking about it. I said everything that I knew to say, about 30 time! She spent any spare minute we had cornering me and I could almost lip sync with her I had heard it so many times. And once I was so frustrated that my hands started shaking and I almost started crying. It came on so suddenly it even surprised me!
Then I had a problem and she was really mean to me. I couldn't believe it! I've decided to phase our friendship out.
My other friend chases after men all the time and she's been doing it for years. And I don't think it's a midlife crisis, it's been going on too long. She just has a compulsion and there is nothing that you can say to her, nothing that you can tell her. And it just gets really old. I don't think she'll ever get it and I feel sorry for her because I know that she is sad but I can't help her and I've got my own problems.
I like her but it's just gotten out of hand. The other day she called me up to ask about genital warts! Uck!!
One day, I am probably going to tell her that she needs to see a therapist. I'm going to tell her that I can't help her and that she needs to talk to someone who is trained to help people. I am going to tell her that friends are equal, one isn't supposed to be above always giving the other one advice. That when she puts me in that situation it makes me feel uncomfortable and when someone starts treating their friend like a counselor it's really no longer a friendship, it's like a client patient relationship. I'm going to tell her I charge $100 an hour. Just kidding.
And yeah, I think at the time I thought that I didn't deserve any better friends. It was before I was dx'd and everything was so crazy and I had no idea why I acted the way I acted and I blamed it all on myself.
I feel so gauche for having gotten myself into this situation.
Gosh, I haven't heard from you for a while hon, I hope that everything is well with you. Hugs
Hey, I'll be your friend. :-)
Cher and I are sure great friends and share a special closeness.
I've gotten to where I'm pretty picky about my 'friends' and only see many of them as sort of friends.
And I've always expected that friends would come and go during the course of my life and that it was okay.
Is having an opinion the same thing as judging. What is the difference?
I would say so, that it's the same thing. And the cool thing about that is, it's okay. :-)
And if you don't like the judgment of a so called friend, just dump his/her sorry ass and move on to find another friend.
And we don't need many anyway, it's not like we have a lot of time for friends anyway. Most of my friends are just casual friends that I enjoy bumping to once in a while for a little chat.
I may be bothered about some of the ways they are but like other ways they are, know what I mean?
I have maybe a half dozen close friends that I see often, and that is all I have time for anyway.
And many of my friends I've met on the internet and live far from me so we stay in contact through our blogs or emails.
Friends like Zirelda, Gina, and such. And Cher of course but we have met and do spend some time together. I camped in her backyard for three days a few weeks ago and she came here and we went camping for a weekend to the great spiritual gathering on the 15th to 17th, it was great, more than great really.
Hey, have a great day hon.
Hey hon, would you change your link to me to say Spirits Doings? Or Spirit Uncensored?
Thanks hon.
Great to see a new post, but again you caught me on the run.
I'll be back tomorrow- you know I will.
You believe in kitty heaven? Kitty heaven? Shoot, that's the same heaven you're going to.
BBC-Kittty heaven. That was kind of dorky, huh!
(1) The difference in having an opinion and judgment is fairly great. If you have an opinion, it means that you've thought about something. Considered it. Considered and investigated its opposite, and settled on an understanding. A judgment is determining what things are based on your prior conceptions of the world.
Most people confuse these concepts. When they refer to their opinions, they're really offering you judgments, because they haven't thought about the issue at all.
From what you describe as your own actions, I'd say tha comes within the realm of opinion, and not judgmeent. You're agonizing over this. You're wondering what to do. You're playing out alternatives (should I shut them out, should I tell them to see a fucking shrink, etc, etc.).
(2) It seems to me that you're acting in the role of a true friend. Forget about such pop psychobabble terms as 'enabling' and 'co-miserating.' If you told them straight out to see a shrink (although they could clearly use one) would they be more inclined to seek help? Many people would actually be less inclined to seek help. Perhaps you've sensed or intuited that by doing so, you would have driven them further down a path that they shouldn't be traveling.
They say you have to be cruel to be kind. That's obviously one of the many social lies we tell to ourselves. Actually, you only need to be cruel to be cruel. Peopl who give cold shoulders to emotionally needy people don't do so because they're trying to help the other person. They just want to help themself by cutting the ties that they fear might make them sink with the other person.
If you were to shut out your friends, they might just flounder, sinking further and further into the abyss of their own consciousness. On the other hand, people sometimes have a need to sink to the bottom so that they can rise again (I don't know why this is, but I do know it happens). If they feel compelled to sink to the bottom and take their chances, then a psychic tether to you (or any other person) might be keeping them from getting to the bottom.
If your one friend is constantly rude, then she might unconsciously be trying to sever the tie between you so that she can sink to the bottom. To cut off ties with her isn't curel, consequently. You're simply doing what she's asking you to do.
As for the other friend, the only thing I can think of doing is steering her/him toward the driection most inclined to offer relief. If the weight gets too burdonsome for you, you can always tell her/him that he/she is dragging you down, because they refuse to help themselves. If they can't take the hint, you might choose to be cruel to be cruel.
That's a tough option. People like you and me don't relish being cruel. But survival instincts are what they are. We live with the consequences as best we can.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?' The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
I most of the time need help, that's me. I'm a total fuck-up, a quiet one now don't get me wrong. I am very careful not to disturb, just like you mentioned before "we go out of our way to be discreet," or words to that affect.
If I do happen do get help from someone in some small way I will die for them in a manner of speaking. I hate to say it but I've seldom come across received a helping hand even and especially from those close to me. I've been recluse practically for some years now. Slowly but surely people I know have been ticked out of my life. They don’t have to tick me. I know I become a burden. I don’t move on; for whatever reason mine orrrrrrrr undoubtedly mine but let me say I just don’t fit. Failures never do, everybody’s looking for something and I don’t have what seemingly is needed today in society. I’m not an upwardly mobile moving on; moving down more like. I’m looking for soul and spirit, and it seems to be where and in what people think worthless.
Unfortunately the time is coming I know when I will be totally alone, and you know in some way I think it will be better.
I will have one friend with me I hope never to lose, for that would be much worse than being alone; losing my soul.
BBC-Something has happened to my blog...for instance, my picture is gone and I didn't take it out. Also, I can't find the are where I add links. When I find it, I will change yours.
Your right about friends. We only have a few good ones. I suppose that is why I've been so reluctant to let these go. When I was younger I took friendships for granted. I had a gypsy lifestyle and lost contact with many of them. I always miss them. So, I think really hard before I let go of a friend. Even if they are annoying.
Thank you X-Your comment was very helpful. And your right, I guess thinking about it as deeply as I have shows that I'm a friend because otherwise I would have stopped dealing with them when they started getting on my nerves.
The friend who is being mean is being mean because she is judging me. She is doing well financially and is working on a masters and she is judging me because she thinks she has moved above me. That's why I have decided to stop being friends with her. Obviously, she is not my friend.
As for the other, you really helped me define my problems with her. I have intuited that I can't say a whole lot to her and it's frustrating. She gets her feelings hurt at any sign of disapproval. And I don't think she'd fall apart if we stopped being friends. But I think it would reinforce her view of herself and I am loathe to do that.
I think that what I am going to tell her is that I want to be friends with her and that she puts me in a position where I am above her and I don't feel like I'm above her and I don't like that position because I just want to be equal.
Sean/Paddy/Alan-I hope my post didn't cause you to be upset or dredge up a bad memory. I have been the needy one before too and hve run a lot of people off in my day. That's why it's so hard for me to do it to anyone else. When I was younger and not yet dx'd I spent times where I was very agitated and fixated on some kind of problem that I had and I would just go on and on about it and was so upset that I probably scared people. I have a lot of bad memories of when I was just too much for others to handle and they walked away. I try to take responsibility and remember how I acted but it still hurts because I loved them and I feel like they didn't love me or they wouldn't have abandoned me.
You said something about when you find a friend you are very loyal. I am very loyal too but also expect the same from others. One of my friends has not showed me the same loyalt that I've shown her and I'm tired of it but the other is loyal and I guess I need to remember that.
I don't mean to be intrusive but I hope you aren't depressed? You don't sound like yourself.
And you do have a lot of friends, they are online but that doesn't make them less friends.
Everyone-Thank you for your thoughtful responses.
sounds like you are going through a phase where you're going out with the bad and trying to look for the good. I am in a state right now where my old friends and I have changed and they have fallen by the wayside and I am almost without any friends at the moment. I don't see this as a bad thing but as a transition. That phase of my life is over and there's a new one ahead with new friends to meet.
Hang in there hon, that is all you can do.
Oh dear - I am far too late here as ever. I am a very loyal friend too and find it very difficult to put myself first in any situation which can be a great handicap sometimes. I am always horrified and upset by disloyalty - perhaps I am naive but I simply can not understand selfishness - which ultimately is what disloyalty boils down to. I have often been accused of 'seeing the good in everyone'. Mind you - I am aslo extremely tolerant as a friend but cross me too many times and watch those steels shutters engage. Cut. Sealed. Finished. I'm like that - all or nothing - sometimes people's being horrible streak just simply runs out on me. I guess I am stubborn in that way. I have only regretted once not speaking to someone ever again. I still think about it now and wish I had forgiven them when I had the chance...!
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