Well, I lost my job....... Before you feel sorry for me I would like to say that it was time. It's time for me to move on. To know thyself....it's one of the most important things isn't it? I didn't know myself when I chose this field....or perhaps it was that I didn't accept myself for who I was. Being in this field was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Just isn't gonna happen. If you do finally force it in, it is damaged and broken in the process. It is time for me to move on before this happens to me.
Now for the good news. As the problems that have caused me to lose this job are considered a disability, I am eligible for assistance from the department of rehabilitation. So it looks like I am going back to school. If you were here right now, you would hear music playing because my heart is singing.
I've longed for this. For a long time I have felt like a prisoner trapped into a life caused by choices I made when I was not really capable of making good decisions. And now I am free. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. I don't have anything left to lose and I am free now... free now to indulge my hippy soul and find something organic, to do something in which who I am is flowing out of me instead of blocked. I can find my life's work. I actually believe in God again...okay....Godess.
So now it is my job to decide and to dream...that is my only job for now and I am thrilled. Maybe this writers block that I have had, this lack of joy, this crushing weight will lift now and maybe things will only get better.
Every once in awhile I have posted on this blog about something that I wanted to go back to school to do. These things were ideas born of desperation. I just wanted to stop doing what I was doing....but it was out of the frying pan into the fire! No more. I have been granted a reprieve and believe me, I know how lucky I am and I am not going to blow it!
I've decided that I want to become a ballerina! Just kidding! I'm exploring the possibility of working with the deaf. I want to become a sign language interpreter. Well, that's what I want to do today anyway. Who knows what I will want to tomorrow. All I know for sure is there will be no more dry technical stuff for this lady.
I remember the movie with William Hurt and Marlee Maitlin, can't remember what it was called....and sign language is so beautiful. When Marlee Maitlin signed, it looked like Ballet...so I guess if I did this I actually would be becoming a ballerina of sorts. I've always wanted to do this I just never believed that it was practical. Now I know that it is impractical for me to keep trying to do things that I am unsuited for.
My bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Though it has wreaked havoc in my life, it has also made it impossible for me to tolerate intolerable situations, it makes it necessary to follow my heart. I can't fake my way through it like everyone else. I am constitutionally incapable of it. I wonder if that make sense? My weakness is my stregnth.
Don't be sad for me....I'm not.
8 comments:
You were let go because of your condition? That sounds strange.
I'm happy that you feel free, though. A lot of students take majors, and a lot of people take jobs because there is a great need for them, and thus sureer employment. But if you don't do something you're comfortable with, and that you like to do, or what you're really, really good at, you'll probably be disatisfied.
I hope that all is well, despite.
hmmm... good to hear your not feeling sad... (though Im not sure)
and i identify with you saying yr done with technical stuff... even i was with accounting early this year, and im none th poorer..
but make sure u know wer yr headed.. like, its ok saying that today this is wat attracts you... but i doubt thatll help in the Long term..
like i said, i do pray for you, and ill pray ull find out wats meant for you... but if u dont mind, how old are you? and are you married?
x-They have not factored my condition in at all. I am covered by the Americans with Disabilities act but one of the requirements is that I need to be able to do the job with accomodations. Unfortunately, there are really no accomodations that can be made for this type of work. And if I make a mistake someone could be killed. And this curse is the blessing as well because this is why I am eligible for help. Things are going to be hard but I feel good because my life is not in limbo now and I can go ahead.
ab-I'm really not so sad. I've been under so much pressure that to have it lifted is great regardless. I have time to think about what I am going to do and people to advise me. They are actually sending me to a neuropsycholigist to see if they can determine the exact nature of my limitations, so that's great.
I am much older than you probably think that I am. For some reason people usually think that I am really young when they read my blog. I don't know what this says about me. I have a son about your age. And yes I am married so I do have a support system at home. And you are very sweet to pray for me. I'm sure I need it.
"Children of a Lesser God"
Wonderful movie--and you're right, it was like watching a ballet.
Strangely enough, when it's time for me to 'move', it's "move or BE moved".
I might mutter when it happens cuz I don't always have the bestest 'vision', but (given time) it seems I can always give a glance back to see how it was a good thing and how things played out exactly how they needed to, to get me to where I needed to be.
I'M excited for you.
What a wonderful opportunity!
Seems to me it's the old 'when one door opens......'
*prayers and positive thoughts*
Mel,
That's how I feel. I have known for a long time that this field was a mistake and didn't even want to think about doing it the rest of my life. I envisioned my life as being a jumping from one catastrophe to the next until finally I had run out of places to work. It was awful. I felt so trapped. Thank god that it is at an end.
"weakness is my stregnth...."
Absolutely a great post and seemingly from the heart.
I am delighted you feel up-lifted by you change in circumstance.
Quote: "In crisis there is opportunity" the saying goes, and I think and hope it is the way for you.
Y;-) Paddy
You can file a discrimination suit if you want, but you probably just want to see any more of them. What assholes!
By the way, you blew me away with your last comment on my blog--in a good way!
Pursue what you want. A door has just opened for you. That is always a good thing.
I have to also say I'm glad this is an opportunity for you.
Your education is the most important thing you can ever do to better your circumstance. Get every bit more that you can.
Follow your muse no matter what or where it takes you. I'm just glad that firing doesn't mean you'll lose your house or car or anythng else. That was worrisome until I read all of your post. Now I hope you get to follow your dream.
And I'm glad you read me, even if your quiet! Talk to you later!
Peace out.
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