Thursday, April 5, 2007

Honoring a choice made for the right reasons



I am working on the final chapters of my story, but wanted to write about something else that I have been thinking about lately. As people who have been reading my blog know, I have had trouble at my job since I started and this has been a source of depression for me. I work in a hospital laboratory and I am a medical laboratory technician. I have the 2 year degree rather than the 4.

Most people don't know what an MLT does or what we learn in school. The fact that it only requires a 2 year degree is deceptive. It is a difficult course of study, especially for someone like me who is not strong in math. I had a lot of trouble with chemistry and I hate chemistry to this day.

Medical laboratory science is hard science, like chemistry or physics is hard science. This field is very under-rated, we are as important as the nurses and do not get credit for this. Actually, what we study is much more difficult. A hospital could not run without us and important medical decisions could not be made.

I was in college taking general courses not decided on a major yet when I signed up for a class in microbiology. Much to my surprise, me, who likes history and to read etc....found this class absolutely fascinating. And I think that I enjoyed getting outside of my little box for awhile and taking my mind in a different direction.

So, I began to consider this career. And this is what decided me, strange as this may sound. One day, I was at school up in the library looking at strange books that no-one had probably picked up in 20 years. (I'll read almost anything.) And I got this eerie thought, a thought that actually creeped me out thought I can't really explain why exactly or even explain the thought exactly, it was more an image than a thought I guess. But it was this image that I got that none of this stuff was really important....that no-one read these books....that no-one really cared what these people had to say except maybe a few other intellectuals in the same field...that these people were in essence talking to themselves. And this made me so sad.



(Sorry for this picture guys! I know it is very depressing and the first time that I saw things like this I had to hide somewhere until I stopped crying....but this is why I chose this. I wanted to help people.)

And I felt that I wanted to touch life, not just think about it if this makes sense and I chose my field. I did very well on the entrance exam and was accepted immedietely. I was so proud of myself for doing so well and then I found out that nearly anyone would have been accepted because this field is in trouble, no-one is going into it. Programs are shutting down. If something doesn't happen there will be a crisis in the next 10 to 15 years when this big surge of MTS and MLTs will be retiring. I'm expecting that our pay will increase when this happens as there has to be an incentive for people to go into this. Because the hours certainly suck!

I enthusiastically began the program and.....I hated it! I absolutely hated it! I don't even know how I made it through. Just on pure stubborness I guess. Sometimes I didn't even understand why I was being so stubborn about something that I hated so much.

Simply speaking, I had a crappy teacher. He was a brilliant and kind man, a very special person....who couldn't teach. He loved the subject. He was so smart! He saw the subject as a whole which, you would have to know a little bit about the subject to understand this statement but, to get to a point where there is no boundaries in your knowledge of this field, that it isn't separated into hematology and virology and chemistry..but is understood as a whole means that you have completely mastered it.

Unfortunately, new students don't learn well this way with a teacher who jumps around from topic to topic without staying in the subject that they are teaching. He chose books for the course which were beyond the subject matter that we actually needed to know as MLTs just because he thought that it would be interesting for us and then gave no indication of what we may be being tested on. This subject matter was too condensed, a student needs some guidance in order to be able to do well on a test. It's all fine and good to say that we should be learning the subject matter because it is interesting, not just learning to regurgitate information that we have memorized from notes but the fact remains that when you are in school you have to take tests and in order to work in the field you have to pass them.

Hardly anyone passed the tests so he would curve the grades to make sure we passed. Basically, if you stayed in the program you would pass it, even if you flunked every single test.

I am a perfectionist as a student and take getting good grades very seriously, as a matter of fact too seriously, so I had a very hard time with all of this. It was very discouraging. I felt insecure because there is a myth in our society that only people who are good in the sciences and in math are actually and truly intelligent. I tried not to buy into this but I couldn't help it, I started feeling really insecure and stupid. Probably this has to do with my Dad, my dad thinks that people who are good in literature and things like that aren't truly intelligent.




Somehow I made it through. Well, I guess the above explains how I made it through doesn't it? Okay, let me rephrase this. Somehow I managed to not drop out of the program and even became ASCP certified. (passed an exam) and I've always felt like an impostor. I've always felt like I don't deserve to be doing this. I'm always afraid of people seeing through my bluff and I've never taken satisfaction in the field, which is a shame considering how passionate I was about it at one time.

I wonder how this has affected me at work? I have been a target at this job since I started. I wonder how much of my insecurity is causing my problems? I have the feeling that it is probably causing a lot of it. Because I'm not completely open, I don't mean open as in confiding...I mean open as in relaxed as opposed to guarded. I wonder how much this has influenced their opinion of me and made them see me as devious or sinister. Because I've always felt that they have really misjudged me and I've never exactly understood who it is that they think that I am....or why! But I think this may have something to do with it.....it just feels right, you know?

The other day I picked up one of the texts in the lab and started reading it and that same fascination that I used to feel before I started the program came back to me. This is truly an interesting subject. It's very dry and I have trouble with dry subjects, but this one holds me interest despite it 'aridity'.

So, I got to thinking....maybe I'll start reading the texts and learn it on my own and get to know it the way that I wish I had to begin with. I wonder how much the problems I have been having would end if I did this. And lots of people have probably wondered why I don't just get a new job if I have had trouble at this one and now that you have read this...does it make sense?

Guys, what goes on in the human body is absolutely fascinating. The complexity of it all is practically endless. My field goes very deep into it. It is unbelievable all of the processes that take place and how involved it all is and yet, it works and we all live and usually nothing goes wrong.

So, I think that for now, this is my answer. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and I never expected that the answer would be to embrace the choice that I made 10 years ago and to give myself credit for having had some wisdom in making it. I have been looking at going back to school, just getting out of it totally. And that isn't really practical but I have been bucking against it, being stubborn again and telling myself that I will go to school, no matter how hard it is...I will do it. And I am stubborn enough that if I really decided that that was the right thing to do, I would do it. But I don't think it is the answer. I think that answer is to start back at the beginning and go through the books and just enjoy myself and finish what I started 10 years ago before I let myself be thrown off track by doubts and bad teachers.

Well, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I will write another segment of the Trinity soon. I don't know if even this one will be the end. I didn't actually expect that it would be this long. It's funny how when you write something, the story just takes over and you are just writing what you see.

7 comments:

X. Dell said...

Obviously, there are a lot of things that are deemed more important than they obviously are. Take Olive Thomas, for example.

Never heard of Olive Thomas, you say?

She was only one of the biggest movie stars ever, one of the original celebrities, as big as Marilyn Monroe or Anna Nicole Smith back in the 1920s. Of course she died young, and was kinda forgotten.

We take some things, like celebrities, way too seriously. At the same time, other things deemed unimportant are far more necessary than they first appear. Take art, for example. In an age of mass media, art, music, drama, and literature are one of our basic industrial products. They don't just sell soap or other widgets, however. They sell ideas, whoe paradigms of how the world interacts.

Thus, propagandists see the value of fine arts immediately. What would Nazi Germany be like without "Triumph of the Will," or "Jud Suss?"

Likewise, art communicates far more positive things. Chuck Berry once noted to Little Richard (back in the 1950s) how rock and roll played no small part in bringing down segregation (and he was right). Exposure to Western culture (especially the culture of consumption exemplified by MTV and other arts broadcasts) spurred rebellion in East Germany, and thus played a small role in the defeat of Soviet totalitarianism.

I admit that I find it a somewhat arrogant tendency in our species to think that we are supposed to be important in the grand scheme of things. But I think our real importance is primarily to ourselves, and to some degree our relationship to other species.

Helping to ease suffering while you're on this Earth is certainly a noble thing to do. After all, people need medical attention. If you find that this is your niche, then you should go with it. If you find that it is not, then you probably should do something else. I appreciate stubborn, as long as it's true to your values. If you see a need to make a change, there's nothing immorall about it.

If there is a shortage of MLTs, then perhaps the system itself needs an overhaul. You could play a part in that. History probably won't record your efforts. But that's a noble thing to do too.

Anonymous said...

Next semester i could start the MLS program with pre-med concentration.MLS could lead to medical school or a PHD in the 2+2 program. But i'm supposed to graduate next semester. I would enter MLS ONLY if it will lead me to medical school. Still confused. But i think employees in that field are less stressed than health care personnel who have to deal with nasty patients, etc.

2 more years of college is dreadful. I dont know but you should be glad you have a cool job, except for the examiniation of sputum.

btw, WHAT A FREAKING LONG POST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Behind Blue Eyes said...

X-I've been really getting into old films lately. They take a lot of work to watch and a suspension of judgement at times. The acting style was just so wierd. But I love the sets and the costumes and the chance to see how people were then. Even their gestures were different.

Actually, after I wrote this post I started thinking about what I had said and hoped that I didn't give the impression that the only thing that is important are practical things. The intellectuals that I spoke of earlier do have an important job as well. To influence thought. Actually, if truth be known nothing would probably make me happier than sitting in a library day after day pursuing knowledge of some topic or another that I had decided on, studying and writing on it, even if no-one ever read it. But that doesn't feed the little ones so....here I am. Actually, I'm not sure that I ever could completely be happy doing anything, because it requires a commitment and there would always be something else that I would wish that I could have done.

Vinicio-I can't believe that you actually read one of my posts! I'm going to mark it on my calendar! So what would you do if you couldn't go to medical school? When you work in a lab you don't really have to deal with patients. One of the reasons I chose it. I like people and helping people but I don't always have the greatest bedside manner. When I get stressed out I forget myself sometimes! A lifetime bad habit! Choosing a career is hard isn't it. It's great that you want to help people though! I don't think you hate people as much as you always claim to!:)

Zig said...

I hope you stay in your job and back-up your knowledge via your extracurricular studies - you obviously have a passion for the subject and are only struggling (in my humble opinion!) by / with your own self doubts.

Hang on in there - and good luck :o)

Anonymous said...

Hmm, maybe it just isn't the job for you? Liking something and being good at something don't always go hand in hand... I am actually very good at math, but I can't stand it.

Behind Blue Eyes said...

Thanks Ziggi.

Trevor-I think that it is just the struggle that a lot of people will have who are interested in everything the way that I am. When you finally narrow down, you always wonder what could have been if you went in another direction. And then anytime that I become disgruntled I start feeling that I made a mistake. I would probably react the same way if I had done something else. If I ever went back to school, it would probably be towards a counselling profession. My work pays for school as long as you go towards something that involves something that you do in a hospital. So, that would probably be what I would do. Then if I did that, I would probably whine because I didn't do something else.

Mel said...

Passion is no small thing.

It makes someone extremely effective.

Chase the passion.

Believe!