Friday, February 6, 2009

Changes


I think I believe in God. I'm not sure. At one time I called what I felt inside of me 'the still small voice'. I talked to people when I was young--remember, I am part of the Bible belt--who told me not to complicate things or try to figure God out--just listen to the still small voice and know that that is God. And so that is what I did. I believed in God and didn't really think much about it.

Then, ( I now realize in retrospect), I became manic and I developed what a psychiatrist would term, hyper-religiosity. I became fascinated with the Bible and with God and anything to do with God. It was like an itch in my brain. I didn't even know what I was looking for but I knew I would know it when I found it. I was frantically reading anything that I could get my hands on.


At this same time, I was taking some science classes as well. I was taking a chemistry class to be exact and I was learning about units of matter and the bonds that hold atoms together. One time my teacher said that if you broke everything down to its smallest components we would find that everything is made of the same basic material, if everything that we were made of was laying on a table we wouldn't know which used to be a person or which was once part of a molecule of oxygen.

This really excited me and I got really 'cosmic' thinking about it all. I thought about all sorts of weird things and was still reading and reading and reading. It was at this time, (Benjiboper) that I read The Tao of Physics which has many concepts in it and is one of my favorite books and tied in with the science classes I was taking.


The author, at one point said that if the nucleus of an atom were made the size of an apple, then the elecrons would be circling the atom at about the circumference of the length of a football field. So, there is a lot of empty space inside of matter. In fact, if you were too take all of the space between things out, we would reduce down to the size of a pencil point. I asked my chemistry teacher about this and he told me that everything we see is actually an illusion, that everything is mostly empty space and what we see is the light reflecting off of the protons, electrons and neutrons as they circle about the nucleus of an atom.

It was at this time that I began to think of God as these forces that held everything together and 'decided' what these atomic components would be. For me God basically became a sort of glorified covalent bond, If it had an intelligence, it was an intelligence beyond anything that we could comprehend, a cold sterile being. Nothing that I could really relate to. Nothing that cared about me or anyone else....just a thing.

Yet I still experienced that still, small voice. I still found myself saying little prayers or feeling that God was with me or feeling guilty when I did something wrong, feeling like God was disappointed in me. Sometimes I could feel my soul like a suppplicant thing wishing for forgiveness and then feeling a cold place when I remembered that the God inside of myself no longer was.

By this time I had reached a point at which I looked at the idea of a God with human characteristics as a sort of societal construct. The reason I was having all of these thoughts and feelings is that these thoughts had basically been built into my psyche at a young age and will sort of always be there no matter what I do. I completely dismissed the idea that God was trying to speak to me and thought of this as apparent 'God issues' I have from growing up in the midwest.

By now, I was reading Carl Jung, who explained my feelings to me like this. He said that we have an area of our psyche that is in touch with the collective unconscious where our God consciousness is located. Basically your experience of God represents some struggle within you as you try to define a relationship with a higher power. How you feel about this and how you respond and move forward has to do with issues that you have. But the reason you have to define God or related to God is because we humans are hard wired for this because other words--we have a still, small voice inside of us.


It's very strange how it all came around full circle. I have much more sophisticated ways of explaining things now, but nothing changed. It was just like the people told me long ago...don't try to figure it out. And I don't any more.





11 comments:

Momentary Madness said...

Jung said he didn’t believe in God. He just knew God.
I don’t, never have; maybe I will.

If God appeared tomorrow for all to see I would be totally devastated. I would feel no different then I’ve felt since the age of reason, and especially since the day I walked pass the church on a Sunday morning - at age12 - and never went back; proud of having the courage to stand up to him I remember thinking at the time. I figured if God had anything to do with organized religion, indeed most of society I wanted nothing to do with him/her.
I had no respect for God, I found the whole of creation ridiculously lacking.
My opinion has matured over the years. I don’t even enter into conversation on the subject of religion with religious people. They’re entitled to their opinion and their devotion as long as they don’t try to lay any trip on me.
Life is what it is, and death will be what it will, and until then I’ll wait and if I meet god on judgment day I’ll tell him just how displeased I am with him.

behindblueeyes said...

Funny, while I was reading your comment it made me remember some more things that I was thinking at the time. I remember thinking that too....that if God was what the religious people that I have known say that he is, then I don't want to be close to him. And I am suddenly remembering that one night, when I was very depressed, I was reading Jung and came across something like this, "If the Christian religion is based upon faith and faith is given to you by God, then if you have no faith then that means that God hasn't chosen you and there is nothing that you can do about it." I found that oddly freeing. that if God didn't want me anyway then I really had nothing to worry about and so I could quit worrying.

behindblueeyes said...

Oh, and I too won't even talk to a religious person about God. There is nothing to talk about as far as I'm concerned. I actually find myself able to listen to one person that I know on the blogs, Enemy of the Republic. I told her that she needs to become a minister because if she can actually get me to listen with a somewhat open mind then she is really good.

Avaran said...

hehe... so thats wat it all comes down to, eh? illusion... thats just buddhism which didnt need science to explain it... or even a certain cult in hinduism which believes th same....
u know i never participate in this debate, but as long as ppl argue on these lines, God is safe.... and yeah, ultimately i believe only bcos i like talk to Him everyday and get answers....


and yeah, thx for yr comment... hey, do tell me if u know anyone who wants stuff edited... i recently edited a book for a theologian there and he was quite impressed.... also, if anyone wants freelance articles abt stuff that happens in india.... im right now on a job search and leaving no stone unturned.... :)

ab

X. Dell said...

Your comment to MM is fascinating. If, in the traditional sense, we are creations of God, then why would He "choose" some of us, but not all of us? Moreover, why would he choose those people instead of these people?

Religious institutions often have little to do with faith or spirituality, which seems to be quite the paradox. Instead, they tend to be about submission to authority and orthodxy. Religion empowers specific individuals who claim they speak for God, or know what Christ would do in any given situation.

I would doubt that God is a volatile white man who watches everything each one of us does and if we excercise the free will given to us will punish us with fire, torture and eternal damnation...because He loves us.

To me (and you too, it seems), the question doesn't revolve around the existence of God, but rather the nature of divinity.

tyt said...

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tyt said...

サイト制作
秋葉原 メイド
ペット火葬 つくば
つくば ペット火葬
つくば ペット霊園
つくば ペット葬儀
立食パーティー用プレート
でしこ
soul source production
ベトナム シーフード
高収入 アルバイト
高収入 アルバイト
アパレル 求人
アパレル 派遣
人妻 出会い
風俗
風俗
デリヘル
アダルトゲーム
高収入求人
高収入求人
ソープランド
性感マッサージ 名古屋
M性感 名古屋
出会い

behindblueeyes said...

X-At the time I read this,I was going through a crisis, it would be fair to call it a dark night of the soul. I realized that I might be a 'pagan'. (Doesn't that sound romantic!) At the same time that I was questioning all of my beliefs, I was also worried about going to hell and I couldn't get past the conundrum. If I don't believe in God, then I can't go to hell. If I believe I can go to hell that means that there is a God and for not believing there is a God, I am going to hell. I was in an endless loop and I couldn't quit spinning around.

This sentence released me somehow and gave me permission to stop worrying about it. If faith is given by God and he didn't give it to me then this means I am not chosen so I don't need to worry about it anyway.


For some reason, this thought got me out of the loop and I relaxed and it has never really bothered me again. Not because I believe it now, but because for whatever reason, it stopped my thoughts from spinning and let me rest and not feel afraid anymore.

Vin said...

People start thinking profoundly when given the time. Which is always good. Time alone will ultimately result in self awareness.

To most life becomes boring and meaningless, even scary when facing the prospect of death. As humans we try to make sense of things, when all else fails we turn to religion.

maybe you should stop neglecting your daughter and start a conversation on this subject...kids say the darnest things

benjibopper said...

I recently read an interesting comment by Daniel Quinn about the concept of god (Quinn's great for sideways thinking, as he himself sort of put it):

"maybe we'll find out about God someday--but meanwhile, I'm not much interested in believing things that can't be established one way or the other."

From this perspective, ultimately god's existence is irrelevant. which in itself, if you agree with Quinn, can probably be quite liberating.

Ricardo said...

Nothing has changed but you do have more knowledge than you did before that can help you explore further which it seems you are doing. This sounds like a wonderful journey you are on with all of this. Continue reading and digging.