Wolves Taking Down a Moose

OK. I've never blogged about politics before because I'm not sure how well I will do. Especially since I am going to quickly dash this out. What has finally inspired me to take my chances at showing my lack of facility regarding this topic? Sarah Palin. She has me extremely upset and very confused as well. Weird, but she upsets me so much that I am actually having nightmares about her. I can't seem to rid myself of this irrational thought that my nightmares are prophetic since they have this awful, final Apocolyptic tone to them.

As I'm sure you know, Sarah Palin is a fundamentalist Christian. I hate to admit it but I have a prejudice. I'm prejudice against fundamentalist Christians. Me, who prides myself on my lack of prejudice find that I reach my limits of tolerance on this topic. As soon as I know that someone is one, my mind immediately closes and I automatically discount that person. I have to remind myself that I need to respect everyone and I don't know that my reminders do me much good in this instance.

Disclaimer: I wouldn't even post this if I thought that anyone who stops by my blog regularly is a fundamentalist Christian. Because of who reads my blog I don't think I will be offending anyone, but just in case you are religious...I would suggest that you don't read any further. Because I'm 43 years old and no-one is going to change my mind and I don't want to fight. And please understand, I am talking about the extremists here. I have known Fundamentalist Christians with fundamentalist beliefs who are beautiful people.

As some of you know (because I say it over and over) I live in the Bible Belt. I am surrounded by people who are fundamentally (no pun intended) different than me and Okay.....I'm going to say it.....many of them are very ignorant. Some of them are very harsh people and I'm actually afraid of them. Think about it...who would call the end of the world Rapture?

Their focus is on death, I think some of them are excited about the end and wish that it would happen while they are alive. They believe there is going to be a war and I think some of them can't wait for the opportunity to kill non-Christians. WhooHoo! Fire up that shotgun!!

They love to say that the Bible is the only book they need to read and use this as an excuse to not have to learn anything new. Some of them get all their news from the Christian radio station in St. Louis. They completely immerse themselves in their religion and leave the world behind.

The ones from lower socio-economic backgrounds who get away from it are often angry people who feel conflicted and it is my observation that often they wind up as criminals. Or if they don't, they are unimaginative Babbits who seem to ingratiate themselves at any job due to their drone-like mentality. When I worked at the Red Cross, most of the upper management were charismatic Christians.

It is very disturbing to me when someone will not look at things realistically because to do so would make them have to question themselves and their beliefs is in charge. In order to have this mindset you have to live in a very narrow little world and lock part of your soul up in a little dungeon deep inside. And fears and hatreds that are not dealt with fester.

And someone who could possibly become the next President of the United States, who attends a church that is getting ready for the end, has a very real opportunity of being elected. It's unbelievable! I just can't wrap my mind around it. Hopefully the new poll results only reflect a temporary shift and will settle back down later.

How has this happened? I just don't understand? Why do the Democrats always allow themselves to be backed into a corner defending themselves over things as silly as arugula lettuce? I watched Obama last night on Keith Obermann and man.....he'd better do better than that. Hopefully he will rally.

Choosing Patin was a stroke of genius for the Republicans. Fuckers! Now anything the Dems do is wrong. If they say anything about Palin they are anti-feminist. Such sophisry, itboggles the Dems momentarily and before they think of how to respond, it's too late. I imagine them sitting around an hour later saying, "Oh God! Now I know what I should have said!" If it weren't so horrible it would be funny.

If they make fun of Sarah's proletariat background, it only emphasizes their supposed snobbery. The Reps. so know who to play on the lower-middle classes insecurities.

Once again the Reps. have managed to rid the campaign of issues, just like they do at every election and the Dems know that this is going to happen so why can't they think of something to do to combat it? Being reasonable doesn't work with these people, these 'Christians' quickly turn into Romans at the coliseum at every election?

They criticized Obama for becoming such a tabloid topic and now they have gotten one of their own. No matter whether you like her or not, you have to admit she is a good-looking woman. She is on the cover of Vogue with one breast partially exposed. And this is a Christian woman. Proverbs says, "A beautiful woman without discretion is like a gold ring in the snout of a pig." If the Obama campaign mentions this, they are anti-feminist! Arrgh!! No matter what they do the Democrats appear weak...at least to 1/2 the population.

And I guarantee you, they have already decided how they are going to attack Biden during the debates. I hope the Dems are ready and have their plans. She really needs to be discredited. They need another "You sir, are no Kennedy!" moment.

In a debate based on issues and not these pseudo-debates that we see, Biden and Obama would run circles around McCain and especially Palin and this is what the Reps want to avoid and so they are throwing all of this nutty stuff out there and sadly--people are lapping it up and it's unbelievable.

In past years I could understand why some people voted Republican, not that I agreed with them but I could at least fathom their thoughts. But this year I can't, I can't understand it at all. We are already in trouble. I'm not one of those people who thinks that Obama is some kind of King Arthur who is going to rescue us but at the very least he's got to be better than what we have.

Why are Americans so averse to having a thoughtful man in the White House? Why do they find this moose hunting, shoot from the hip style so romantic and appealing? Why do they admire someone who immediately make choices without considering them? Why do they think that your entire ideology must be completely formed without a chink in it and if you change your mind about something you are considered weak? Why? Why? Why?

Why don't people find it frightening how much further that we inch towards an imperial presidency each year? Mavericks!! Peh!! Why would I want someone in office who is so willful that they will do everything their way without a care for what anyone else thinks? I'm sorry...but why is this good?

Of course it's easy to understand how people who have decided to close their minds and shut their eyes to everything around them unless it is in the Bible might find this appealing. But what about the rest of them?

Once I saw a Bumpersticker that said 'My kid kicked your honor students ass!'. That's what Sarah Palin reminds me of.

I wonder what would happen if the Democrats would pause for a moment and look genuinely perplexed rather than defensive. Not anything stagey. Just a fleeting, almost imperceptible expression. And they have to wait until the debates to pull it out. When it's too late to combat it. If they do it slyly enough it might even get past the radar.

For instance, when John McCain's campaign says "Obama did not serve his country but John McCain did." What if Obama tilted his head to one side for a split second, looked off to one side and up in the air for a moment, as though he were genuinely puzzled and said, "By the time I was old enough to sign up, the war was over." in a sort of bemused voice. Or when they said that he was anti-feminism, what if he again looked slightly puzzled and said very politely, "Excuse me? Could you elaborate?" Because they certainly wouldn't be able to elaborate. Maybe I'll e-mail the campaign and tell them! :)

And why do they always say that the media favors the democrats? It's the media that has fussed over Palin so much and made someone who should have been a non-issue, an issue.



Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Well, I'm sure you do. I would be interested in hearing them.

One last thing. (almost) I read the other day that John McCain has a bad temper and that he can be vengeful. I'm sorry but no-one is going to convince me that his stay in the Hanoi Hilton had no affect on him. That's ridiculous.

Another thing. I said earlier that I was having bad dreams. I also had one that was funny. I dreamt that in order to outdo Obama, McCain juggled during his acceptance speech and at the end of it, had himself shot out of a cannon!

Lastly. Don't you think Typos are hilarious sometimes. Earlier I saw that I had written nightymares when I meant to write nightmare.

Friends!

I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. I've been asking myself why I have chosen some of the friends I have chosen. I've been asking myself if some of them have ever actually been my friends. Two friends in particular are on my mind. They were people I worked with 2 jobs ago that I have maintained contact with and now that we don't have the job in common, it seems like we have little else in common.

I befriended them because they seemed like lost souls and I am always a sucker for a lost soul having been one myself for so many years. We seemed to respond to things in the same way, especially things related to our job. They felt familiar to me on a very intrinsic level. I had always felt like a fuck-up and they felt like fuck-ups too and we had this in common. This is not a good basis for a friendship. Especially since I no longer feel like a Fuck-up and they still do.

Somehow I gradually took on the role of the confidant to them and they continually came to me for advice. In the beginning I didn't mind listening and being there for them, but as time passed, it became boring and my friends began to feel like burdens. I always felt drained when I was around them. I began to resent them. I wanted to tell them to go get a f***ing shrink and leave me alone.

Yet, I tolerated it because....I don't know why....maybe for several reasons. I suppose one reason was that I didn't want to hurt their feelings because I really did care for them and one of them especially is very vulnerable. And there was a part of me that felt good about being needed because somehow it makes everything that I've been through more bearable. But another reason is that I just plain couldn't figure out how to handle the situation gracefully.

I've always thought that people who turned a cold shoulder to people who are needy were cruel. Yet, I can see that they understood something that I didn't. They understood how hard it is to be in a relationship with some one who always needs something from you and never seems to get enough. Someone who only wants to talk about themselves. Someone who never seems to move on. Someone who is always in a crisis. Someone who has been dealing with the same issue ever since you have known them and never seems to learn anything from their mistakes. It's boring, boring, boring, boring, boring!!! It's draining, it's imposing and you don't mind being there if one day it is going to get better but some people never get better and I think my friends are those kind of people.

Gut Level Honest


I sometimes get this cold, dark thought that there is something intrinsically wrong with my friends, especially one of them that can't be fixed, and that she is a lost causes. And when I have these thoughts I despise myself. And I begin to feel that the way that I like to see myself, as a nice, understanding person, is just a facade. Not only am I just as bad as the people I criticize and call cruel, but I don't even have the character to admit that I feel the way that I do. Instead, I am smug and hypocritical, imagining myself to be above them in behavior when actually I am no better.

What do you do when you get that cold, dark voice inside of you and you realize that it is telling the unsentimental truth, stripped bare. Not the truth tied in a a pretty package with a bow on it....but the raw truth. What do you do with it when it isn't nice and you can no longer tell yourself that you feel differently.

What do you do when acknowledging the truth makes you feel like you have disappointed one of your own standards? What do you do when the truth is ugly and you've seen it and you know you will never be able to go back to not seeing it? What do you do when the truth is not flattering to people that you like? What do you do when you find out that you don't respect the people who you considered your friends?

What set me off and finally pushed me over the edge is that I finally recognized that my friends are very selfish. Simply, I have my own problems and I don't mind listening to you, that's what friends do, but I expect you to reciprocate from time to time and if you don't, you don't feel very much like a friend to me. You feel like a barnacle, a parasite, a tapeworm, a psychic vampire, a hole.

Sometimes when they talk to me I wonder if they even see me at all or if they are just searching for their reflection in my face.

I have often felt more alone when I am with them than when I am actually alone.

I wish they would stop it.

I have decided to stop talking to one of them because she is too rude. I am still willing to be friends with the other because I know she doesn't mean it.

Is having an opinion the same thing as judging. What is the difference? Has something similar ever happened to you? How did you reconcile it?

Dear Demons,

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, not on my blog but on a forum for beepers. That's BPs or bipolars for all you normies (Yes! that's what they call you!) It is a online peer support group for people with bipolar disorder and it has been so great to finally have people to talk to who know what I feel! Because of this, I have been spending all of my computer time there. So, I thought that as long as I have been writing so much on this forum that I might as well make use of some of what I have written by transferring it here.

On the forum we talk about so many things

I have a wide pick of topics. This time I have decided to talk about this one: the way so many of us feel cut off from people who think that they know what bipolar disorder is but don't.

Now obviously, if you go around blurting out to everyone that you are bipolar, you will be judged and most of us don't do this because we understand that this is what will happen.

But sadly, we are also judged by people who are close to us or who we would like to be close to and this hurts and makes us mad. It hurts just because it does and it makes us mad because it is insulting on so many levels. I hope that this post will illustrate why.

Friends:

I have one friend that seems to think that believing I have bipolar disorder means that I am neurotic and that my real problem is a negative and defeatist attitude. She seems to think that having bipolar disorder is not really all that important and can't be all that bad since I don't have very obvious symptoms. I suspect that she doesn't even believe that I have it. She subtly (she thinks!!) changes the subject if I bring it up at all and I know her well enough to know that it annoys her when I talk about it and that she thinks I'm whining. And honestly, I don't really talk about it all that much. She is no longer my friend.

I have another friend who thinks that I have jumped on the bandwagon. As I'm sure we are all aware, things like ADD, Bipolar Disorder etc...are often incorrectly diagnosed, especially in children. My friend has black and white thinking--because these things are over-diagnosed they don't really exist. He thinks I am naive and have allowed myself to be hood winded by an unethical or stupid doctor. I still love him but I don't talk to him about it anymore.

Unfortunately, his attitude is common. And for the record, contrary to what people seem to think, most of us actually don't want to take medicine and only do so after we have exhausted every other option. Then when we finally give in and take it and are well for the first time in our lives we are criticized.

Don't worry about what my friends think, they are only 2 people? Even if you never tell anyone that you are bipolar you hear these thoughts expressed enough in conversations that you experience the feeling of being judged by people who have no idea that they are judging you. Being prejudiced about mental illness is an acceptable prejudice in our society. This is a reason many don't seek treatment.

DSM-V

The list of symptoms in the DSM-V are very inadequate and this is a shame. Especially since they are usually used in articles intended for the layman to figure out that they may have bipolar disorder. It may well be the only information that people will ever have on the illness because once they look at the list and decide that it doesn't apply to them, they stop searching.

The list is not good. The list doesn't work. The list doesn't tell the whole story. It helps doctors but it doesn't help us. It is dry and clinical and does not even remotely describe all of the manifestations of the disease. It is so vague that someone who is not bipolar can recognize themselves in the description. It is so vague that someone who is Bipolar won't recognize themselves. It doesn't even come near to describing the hell we go through. I wonder how many people go undiagnosed because of this? If I were in charge I would include another list!! But since I am not a member of the AMA I can't change the list. So I have composed a letter instead, addressed to my demons. The real ones and the ones who live only in my head.

Dear Demons,

You seem to have lots of misconceptions about what Bipolar Disorder is and you try to make me feel bad about having it. You try to make me feel weak, you try to make me deny my own reality and you try to make me doubt my senses. So here are some facts, antecdotes and thoughts about Bipolar Disorder. After you read them, you can go back to the hell you came from and where you belong! Whisper to someone else because I'm not listening anymore.

Fact: Bipolar disorder is a disease with a genetic component. Yes, everyone gets down sometimes, many of us have mood swings and everyone feels the whole gamut of emotions that a bipolar person feels. We do not hold the monopoly on feelings. But we have mood swings to the point that it causes major problems in our lives and we have no control over these moods. To compare your moodswings to ours is like comparing a light breeze or even a somewhat severe thunderstorm to a hurricane. Sorry if this sounds elitist. It's just the way it is.

Anecdote: Common behavior of Bipolars--bipolars try to jump out of moving cars. Bipolars throw knives at people. Bipolars scream at people so hard that every muscle in their body is into making the scream louder and they get lesions on their vocal cords. Bipolars marry people they have only known for 3 weeks. Bipolars find it nearly impossible to keep a job, the only time some of us can hold a job is when the employer has decided to give us a break because they feel sorry for us. This feels like shit! Bipolar people try to set themselves on fire. Bipolar people run out of the house in their underwear when the person they are talking to tries to leave. Bipolar people act so bizarre that all their neighbors talk about them and make fun of them and won't have anything to do with them. Bipolar people have rage attacks in public places and are so embarrassed afterwards that they stop going to the place that it happened for over six months and only go back when they can safely assume that whoever was there at the time has stopped working there or won't recognize them anymore. Bipolar people freak out when they are having a conversation with someone and throw their plates of food or their beverages into the face of the person who has annoyed them. Bipolar people have strange things happen to them that makes them wonder if they just had a seizure. I knew a bipolar person who went through a period where they rhymed everything that they said and laughed hysterically at jokes that no-one else understood . Bipolars spend a significant amount of time feeling embarrassed by what they have done and wonder why they keep doing it. I may or may not have done some or all of these things. I'm not telling. I highly doubt that anyone within the range of what we consider normal does these things.

Fact: Bipolars produce higher amounts of cortisol (stress hormone) when under stress. They also have more receptors for these hormones. Both of these combined make them more reactive to stress. As each episode occurs, the neural pathways get more entrenched. After more and more episodes it will take less provocation to have an episode. This is called the kindling effect a term associated with epilepsy in which the more seizures a person has, the more seizure-prone they become. With Bipolars, there will eventually be such an effect on the brain that hardly any thing at all can trigger an attack. This is called rapid cycling and it's bad because basically it means you have brain damage.

Fact: Bipolars though often above average in intelligence, have shrinkage in the frontal cortex of their brains which becomes more marked over time, especially if the disease is not treated. This shrinkage is real but cannot be used as a diagnostic test because you can see this with other diseases as well, schizophrenia being the main one. This shrinkage causes problems with executive function and short-term memory and concentration. This is why they sometimes have trouble consistently performing simple tasks. They are not stupid and often feel mortified because they realize that they appear stupid!! They spend time obsessively taking online IQ tests just to convince themselves that they really aren't stupid.

Fact: When you recieve a stimulus or stressor from the environment, your amygdlia, the part of your brain that controls your emotions, recognizes it as something that it needs to respond to and shunts it to the frontal cortex to evaluate and decide how to respond. If the stressor is percieved as dangerous, the amydlia bypasses the frontal cortex and reacts instantaneously. This is called the fight-or-flight response. The amygdlia is enlarged in a bipolar. There are also differences in the part of the brain that connects the amygdlia to the frontal cortex. Basically, a bipolar has a brain that causes our fight-or-flight mechanism to kick in under very little provocation. We act without thinking based upon whichever distorted emotional signals we are getting from our brains.

Fact: Bipolars also have brain activity similar to people with temporal lobe epilepsy. Actually, it is identical until a certain point at which they split off and form different pathways. This is why Beepers and those with epilepsy share some common traits like developing excessive religiosity, having temper outbursts and having cognitive difficulties during an episode or seizure. Interestingly, anti-seizure medication is used as a mood-stabilizer for Bp's. I take an anti-convulsant..

Fact: Bipolars are typically carb addicts and often develop diabetes later in life. They are presently doing studies on the mitochondria of bp',s. They have found a mitochondrial defect that interferes with the utilization of glucose. This occurs specifically with BP's though not with all of them. They know that there is a connection to bipolar but have not determined what that connection is or how it influences the symptoms that a bipolar has.

Something to think about: The Americans with Disabilities Act protects someone with Bipolar Disorder exactly the same as it does someone who is blind or in a wheelchair. Remember! Americans have a very strong work ethic and don't think anyone should get disability unless they are ready to fall apart. The fact that you can get disability for being bipolar is a clue in itself. I used the Americans with Disabilities Act to negotiate a severance package when I lost my job.

Fact: Bipolars cannot get well by understanding themselves better or by talking about their relationship with their family. It will help them after they have been treated but not before. Herbs, special diets, organic, preservative-free food, exercise routines, meditation, standing on your head, Hail Mary's, rolfing, going to Sedona and standing in the Vortex, being more positive, saying, "I think I Can! I think I can!" None of these things will work. It is very dangerous and unethical as well to try to persuade a BP to get off of their medicine and you could possibly be endangering their life. Tom Cruise has killed people by shooting off his mouth. Google it if you don't believe me.

Historical Anecdote: People with bipolar disorder have been locked up involuntarily for years before medication existed that could help them. Bipolar people have likely been burned at the stake for witches. I hope they really were witches and put a curse on the people who burned them. Bipolar people were euthanized by the Nazis. And before anyone says, yes but these things don't happen anymore think again. Life can still be very dangerous for BP's. People who are Bipolar get the shit beat out of them because of behavior that they can't control In the last couple of years, two people were killed on flights because their bipolar symptoms were misinterpreted. And this surely happens more frequently than we are aware of, especially situations involving police.

Fact: You can't always tell by talking to someone who is bipolar that there is something wrong with them....at least not until they have symptoms. In other words, if you are talking to someone who appears to be perfectly lucid it does not mean that they don't have it. And you shouldn't tell someone that they don't really have it. We are very good at hiding it and you may not know anything is wrong until we have symptoms and often our symptoms make us look like we simply have a rotten or weird personality. Telling us that we don't have it is very presumptuous.

Another face of the beast: There is a bipolar in which the person is mostly hypomanic---all the time!! Hypomanic is the good bipolar! If you have this, there is a good chance that you are rich. They are always cheerful and positive, don't need sleep and can work lots of overtime and still come home and write a novel and run a marathon. They just flip out everyonce in awhile and get weird for awhile. Don't tell a bp that you know someone who is very successful who has iBP as well, therefore they have no excuse for their lack of success. Most of us are not so lucky as to by hypomanic.

Something to ponder: There are unfortuately BP's who act crazy like a fox. They will use this illness to make excuses for themselves. They will not hold themselves accountable for things they have done or things that they are doing. They expect people to take care of them and look the other way when they misbehave. They play the system and allow themselves to be taken care of by others just because they can. They make it bad for those of us who are not like this. They probably have personality disorders. Bipolar Disorder and personality disorders often go hand in hand.

Rule of Ettiquette: If you have known someone who was mentally ill and acted this way, please don't think that we all this way. We don't all have personality disorders! Many of us are quite normal...as a matter of fact we spend so much time trying to figure out why things are happening to us and how we are playing our own part in it that we are often much more insightful than an average person.

Wish List: Please don't treat us like we are being manipulative and shirking our responsibilites when it is hard for us to go on. Most of us think very hard and do a lot of soul-searching any time that we ask for any kind of concession due to our illness. Most of us try any other route before we will finally ask for mercy. Most of us despise ourselves as weak when it gets so bad that we have to ask for help and are hurt very deeply when people don't believe us.

Lastly: If you meet a bipolar person remember that they are very strong or they wouldn't be standing in front of you. We are not weak because we don't handle our emotions well and because we get weepy and feel like we can't get out of bed. We are strong. If we weren't, we would all get guns and blow our brains out!! And no...I am not being sensationalistic.

So that's my little rant. It was very therapeutic for me and hopefully informative and not too boring. I hope no-one thinks that this was directed at them. It was not, it was directed to my demons.

Good-bye demons and oh....Fuck Off!

Diana

The mad ones!!

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"



Jack Kerouac would have loved me!!



As for my sister, she doesn't quite feel that way. My sister quit smoking and she has found the goddess within her or her inner bitch or something. Not that this is bad, my sister has always been a little too accomodating, she's one of those people that you always wish would stick up for themselves. So I think it's great....(as long as it isn't directed towards me). But alas...she finally informed me that I have been totally manic and I have been getting on her freaking nerves! Oops!!



I still have a lot to learn about being bipolar. From my own perspective, I've always been the way that I am, so it's hard for me to know what is me and what is a symptom of my disease which is a very uncomfortable way to feel, by the way. I have had to deconstruct myself once or twice and I guess I need to do it again, and probably again. But I talked to my doctor about it and he said that, "Yes, what I describe is indeed manic behavior." He introduced me to a new term called rapid cycling, which is apparently what I've been doing. And no, I don't mean I've been entering bike races..I mean that I experience symptoms that are less severe than a classic BP but occur much more often.



So, lets see. I've gotten interested in Belly dancing and dropped that. Started writing and dropped it. Started embroidery...even decided I would sell things that I made, I was even going to open a shop...pretty fantastic for someone who was only working on their first piece, huh! I thought that my brilliant creativity would make up for my lack of know how. People would be so dazzled by my wonderful designs you see, I even thought about whether or not I would need to hire people after my shop got started and how I would keep the books!



I've decided to be a sign language interpreter, a courtroom reporter, a nurse, become a licenced daycare provider....that was another great one. I spent hours online. I made up curriculums, I checked into insurance, I had a kit sent to me about how to be licensed, I planned menus....And this all took place in a bout 5 days. Then I came down and realized like I have over and over again, that what you are looking at is utterly ridiculous, I don't live in the right kind of home bo have a daycare. Besides, I couldn't deal with that many kids. Everytime this happens, it always leaves me wondering why I did it......again.....even though I know I've already done it a Thousand times, every time is like the first time because I'm so happy.



Even if my ideas would stick around long enough for me to actually accomplish anything, I am not organized enough to do it anyway. I was going to write a novel, wrote out plots, synopsis, started developing my characters, then it seemed like it all got so complicated that I ccouldn't cut it down to size and do anything with it. It's just sort of floated up there in my head, amorphous, waiting for me to do something with it and I couldn't because I was too scattered.



I've tried learning Spanish I have pages of vocabulary lists. I have became totally immersed in Wiccan. That lasted for about about 3 weeks but in the meantime, I bought candles, incense, crystals, started growing herbs. Gosh...lets see...what else....I've decided to become a therapist and a gerontologist. I've also began studying literature from the turn of the century, became interested in the medicinal use of herbs and blah blah blah



People who don't know me well find my enthusiasms infectious and my dis-ingenuousness refreshing and charming. Those who live with me at best view me with bemusement, at worst find me annoying. And lets face it. I am annoying.



I'll be totally fired up about something, reading everything that I can get my hands on, buying supplies for my new 'hobby' or interest, going to the library walking around with this beatific, grin on my face and a glazed look in my eyes because I stayed up until 3am. Then, it's like I have the flu. I feel like crap! It's hard for me to get out of bed. Everything tastes awful. My head hurts etc...etc.. I can't even hardly think, it feels like wasps are in my head.



Every once in awhile I amuse myself by going through my old notebooks, I have about 15 and I'm always finding new ones in the basement or somewhere. Sometimes I find them in very odd places, like with my cookbooks or something. It seems that every time I get manic, I buy a notebook to write down my ideas. During these phases, I just love the way that notebook looks, so filled with promise. It always feels like I am finally ready to start something like I am on a new road that is leading in the right direction and then I get sick and it gets thrown to the side.

So, I go through my notebooks once in awhile with mixed feelings of awe, amusement, and horror because sometimes I don't even remember writing it, it seems like I am reading something one of my ancestors wrote instead of something that I wrote.



Here is an excerpt from a notebook that I found the other night, though I have edited it somewhat because otherwise it is too hard to make sense of

Ahem!! "Is our mind the same as the Medieval one? I mean in terms of structure, of areas of the brain developed by use, of synaptic pathways worn into the brain by habit of thought. I would speculate that our brains are much different.



In a society without the distractions that we have, without televisions or computers or...indeed without most people even being able to read, they would have been much more concrete than us, much more connected to REALITY.



Death, birth and the brutality of nature were woven into the dailiness of life. You have a very concrete mind connected to nature and the cycles of life and death but without the ability to communicate abstractly. A mind that could only speak through symbols and symbology of the deeper more abstract things.



Being illiterate would create a vocabulary with less words but more nuance in each word, more meanings and uses. Being surrounded by people no better off than you the ability to verbalize abstract thoughts would be limited and would only be expressed in the concrete fashion from the limited vocabulary that you had available to you. "



I wrote this during my Wiccan 'kick'. I'm not sure why I wrote it, I think that I was speculating on why the pre-modern mind would have been more in touch with the inviisible world than ours is. It's so cool but so pretentious somehow, it's sort of embarassing. I was really off and running on this one. I bookmarked about 70 websites. I actually wrote out a curriculum, I saw it in the notebook.



It makes me sad when I read these things. If I was reading some of the things I wrote, only someone else besides me wrote it. I would think that the person writing these things was so cool or wierd, I'm not sure. Except it's me. It's like I get lost over and over, then I come up for awhile and get lost again. Sometimes I think I could be even be half-way brilliant if I wasn't like this and it makes me sad.



I had a dream that I was walking across a frozen lake and there was someone trapped under the ice and I looked to see who it was and it was me. It's hard to deal with. I burst into tears last night and I'm not even sure why. I picked up my cat and hugged him while I was crying and he was very shocked. He kept twisting his hear around and staring at me with a bewildered look on his face. Then he immediately gave himself a bath after I let him go. Then I thought that was so funny that I started laughing like a goon or maybe a water loon.



But actually, I think I'm better than I've been in a long time because I'm finally back on earth. I don't think that my feelings are feelings of depression, it is genuine grieving. Which is nothing to worry about real feelings not induced by randomly firing neurons are always welcome by me, I love feeling like I'm all in one piece whether it's good or bad.

Otis Wierdmeyer

Something very creepy happened to me the other day. I was cleaning off a high shelf and I found a plastic bag. I opened it up and found Otis Spunkmeyer Blueberry Muffins in it. The package was open, it was a package of three and there were still 2 left. I think my husband stashed it up there. He takes snacks to work and probably put it up there so we wouldn't find it and eat it.

I checked the date on the receipt to see how new they were so I would know whether or not to throw them away. The receipt said they were bought in March. Suddenly it occurred to me that if the muffins were purchased in March, it shouldn't have even occurred to me to check them. They should have been green and moldy and dried up, right?

So, I looked more closely at them and they had no mold on them and they were just a little dried out on the top. It's a good thing I checked the receipt before I examined them, because if I would have looked at them first, I might have thought they were good enough to eat. Then, I decided to taste them....just kidding.

I asked my husband about them, thinking that maybe he had just opened them, but he didn't even remember buying them so I'm sure they were opened in March. So, Otis Spunkmeyer Muffins apparently have so many preservatives in them that you could used them to embalm a corpse. Time to learn to bake, huh?

sheepish apologies

I haven't posted for quite awhile and I'm not even sure why. Do you know what I suspect it is though? I think that when I was working, even though I was so busy, my life felt empty...I didn't get time with my kids...I worked evening shift...I didn't hardly see my older daughter at all. I think the blog filled some sort of void in my life.

Now I'm happier and the urge that I used to have to write is gone. But I don't want to quit blogging......or maybe what I should say is that I don't want to lose contact with people. Isn't it strange how people you meet on the internet seem just as real as friends that you have in 'real-life'? Anyway, even though I don't feel a void in my life from not writing, I would feel a void if I lost contact with my friends so I'm going to start blogging again, though I don't know if my blog is going to be very inspired or interestin. Who knows? Maybe I start blogging again, it'll all come back to me. And I'm sorry that I just disappeared without a word. That was rude of me.

Tarot: Mundane or Magical?

When I got my first Tarot deck twenty years ago, I dutifully read through the history of the deck in the front of the book but it didn't interest me and I soon tossed it aside, more intent into getting to the cards themselves. My mistake, the history is one of the most interesting things about it, truly as interesting as the cards themselves.

There are two different levels to it, one that can be backed up by fact and the other that, as far as can be proved always veers into mythology in the end. Though many people feel that the Tarot has 'magical' origins, they have always been frustrated in their attempts to find any proof of this. Yet they insist that it it does despite any solid proof and despite appearing ridiculous. Hopefully, this post will help show you why they feel the way they feel and why they may not be as silly as they sound.

As far as any records show, the first time that the Tarot deck was actually associated with the occult was in the 18th century. A man named Antoine Court de Gebelin, who would probably not be remembered today if it weren't for his connection with Tarot, was writing a series of nine books called Le Monde Primitif when he saw a Tarot deck at the home of a friend. Upon seeing it he became convinced that it contained hidden occult knowledge from ancient Egypt. And though he only devoted one page to the Tarot, his little mention of it is where modern thoughts on Tarot begin.

He called it the "Book of Thoth." (Thoth is the Egyptian God of Magic and information) and claimed that it contained the entirety of Ancient Egyptian Magic in symbolic form. It was during this same time period that the cards were linked to the Kabbalah, an ancient Jewish Mystical system, which some say goes back all the way to Moses in Egypt--which is where the link between Egypt and Kaballah come in--in case you were wondering.

The 22 major arcana cards (The Food, etc..) are thought to represent the 22 paths on the tree of life--also the 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet. The 10 cards in each suit--Ace through 10--represent the ten Sephiroth or stages of emanation. The four suits, Swords, water, Earth and Air represent the 4 layers of existence. Though this could arguably be coincidental there are Kabbalistic symbols used throughout and not only that, but they seem to correspond in a logical order with the teachings of the Kabballah.

Besides the Kaballah, the Tarot has at one time or another, been linked with just about every form of mysticism, magic and system of esoteric knowledge that exists. As Rachel Pollack says in her book, Forest of Souls,

"The Tarot depicts the sacred myths of the Romany (or Gypsies), disguised in cards for the centuries of exile from the Rom homeland in India--or Egypt--or outer space. The Tarot is a Renaissance card game inspired by annual carnival processions called triumphs. The Tarot is a card game derived from annual processions called thriambs, in honor of the God Dionysus, the creator of wine. The Tarot conceals/reveals the secret number teachings of Pythagoras, a Greek mystic who lived at the time of Moses, and who influenced Plato. the Tarot depicts the secret oral teaching of Moses, who received them directly from God. The Tarot contains the lost knowledge of Atlantis, a drowned continent first described by Plato. the Tarot is a card game imported from Palestine and Egypt during the Crusades. the Tarot is a vast memory system for the Tree of Life, a diagram of the laws of creation. The Tarot hides in plain sight the wisdom of the Egyptian God Thoth, master of all knowledge. the Tarot shows Egyptian temple initiations. The Tarot shows Tantric temple initiations. The Tarot preserves the wisdom of Goddess-initiated witches during the long, dark centuries of patriarchal religion. The Tarot maps the patterns of the Moon in Chaldean astrology. the Tarot was created by papermaker guilds who were the last remnants of the Cathars, Christian heretics brutally suppressed by the Church of Rome.
All of the above, and more, Tarot writers have proclaimed as the one true, authentic origin of Tarot."

When you actually study the cards, it is hard to believe that they just happened on accident. The belief that these cards had some sort of mysterious, origin was solidified by the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, which was a magical order of the late 19th/early 20th century and was the biggest influence on modern western occultism today. Aleister Crowley was a member and so was the poet Yeats.

Whatever you may think of magic or the occult, the people who were members of The Golden Dawn were hardly ignorant people. The society was full of professional men and women some of whom were highly educated and could read ancient texts in their original languages. Though as I said, the first referenc to the Tarot being of esoteric origin was in the 1700's, they were able to look at older documents to verify the validity of this claim and...though I'll have to take their word for it as I can't read them myself....it all checked out.

Yet, anyone who has ever tried to trace the origin of the cards has found only mundane beginnings. They were used to play a card game, similar to bridge...that's it. At the time that they were made, a large part of the population was illiterate and pictorial representations were commonly used to communicate with them. Separately, the cards are no different than any other things being drawn back then, their symbolism was well-used and understood by the contemporaries.


The way it stands now, it is doubtful that we will ever know the answer to the answer to the origin of the cards. What if we found out that there was no mysterious origin, that they were simply playing cards that some deluded people thought that they saw signs in and caused other deluded people to follow them until now we have a mass delusion? Maybe it would be better to keep it like this and not ever know...the mystery adds to the cards--and at any rate--they are still very cool!